Healing..Again

Excuse my vulgarness in this next poem, but I can’t think of a more subtle analogy to get what I am feeling across.

These past few months a lot of well.. shit, complete and total shit, has happened.. and I haven’t dealt with this shit like how I once did..

I had already built the strength within me to withstand the negative circumstances that would inevitably pop up in my life. My mind had grown to be so beautiful, my perspective, just the way I processed the world around me. I could gain a natural high from the simplest of things, even looking at my own two hands I was in aw. I knew I had to deal with things, to reflect on what I felt, to learn from experience, and to not care or hold judgments. Then, before I knew it, there was too much chaos at once, and I collapsed. I let my hostile environment get the best of me. I was distracted by all the drama outside of me; I lost my sense of self and all of a sudden here I am picking myself back up, after three months, that felt like two weeks in one aspect and a whole year in another. Most memories, feelings, and faces they are hazy and swirled together, a mess I don’t even want to touch. Some are crystal clear, the nights that tore me apart, that made me want to end it all; they left me desolate. Those memories have been the greatest lessons, and surprisingly my source for gratitude.  I am grateful, because every time I face a challenge that ends with me having to heal myself, I mature. I become stronger and wiser, but first comes the pain..

My mind had been ripped apart by the ones I loved most, so I closed, decided to love less, not as deep. This only tore me from myself, who I truly am. My grasp, my connection was pulled even farther. There was a point, when I couldn’t even remember how in the heck I ever loved myself. I was desperate to know what self love was again, because I just felt like a hollow being wasting space. My whole existence was painful. It no longer felt like a blessing. It once did. I may have been in this low place, but something in me knew I couldn’t stay. I had made it out before. There was still a way. So, I said, one day at a time, then maybe I will know love again. I mean, if I was going to choose to stay on this earth, mine as well grow and find that source of bliss.. mine as well find myself, again. I did resent the fact that this felt like square one. I had already sewn together the pieces of me I lost in my years of anger and depression. At least, this time, I had some direction, and an idea as to how to heal. Now, slowly but surely, it is all coming together. Reflecting and remembering I now see where I was lost. I now feel my soul again. These trials and tribulations were necessary. They were not the end all be all. I am even stronger than the girl I had compared myself to in the beginning of this post. I have remembered I always have the option to change,  start over, and to love, again, even if it feels unfamiliar at first. It is all residing within me, I just have to muster the strength to be patient, as the light finds its way out of the dark prison I confined it within.

now, for my ostentatious and explicit thoughts..

 

my mind has been fucked

satan took his dick and screwed out all the beautiful angels that had been living in my pretty little innocent mind

now,

i have to lock the pretty thoughts away,

because dare i encounter another man with rage

he will just take them and piss on them,

and act like i am too naive to have anything worthy saying

 

i feel like a caged bird

i know that sounds cliche

but this is thin ice,

and it’s already started to break

the fragments of me will stay afloat,

but the whole raw parts of my being are sinking,

because they feel so heavy to carry in the kind of world we live in

but it’s like,..

i just know there is solid ground somewhere

the question is can i keep myself above the water before i get there

the knowing will never go away

if i just gave into the impulses,

and became consumed by the standards,

or rather crushed by them,

either way,

i would always know that i am not being authentic

that i am a fake,

because i just don’t fit into this world

how can they ask me to be real,

but to also follow along and do the same..?

 

– screwed by the voices outside then inside me

 

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i swear i have written it down a thousand times,

“i love myself.

i am grateful.

i am worthy”,

but what truly counts are the times i say it to myself.

i only write for moments in time,

but the voice in my head is sometimes endless.

what is it saying?..

that is what truly counts.

 

self talk – g.c.

this time i did not try to escape reality

i immersed myself in it

i ran head on into my fears

this time

instead of running into a wall

disabling me

making me forget who i am

i found who i am

and found relief

i learned that walls don’t prevent you

you can free fall right through them

into a new dimension..

and might i mention

this wasn’t the first time i had done this

as a child

i had no walls to construct

because fear was challenged everyday as i grew

a leap into the pool without anything to keep me afloat

was a leap of faith in myself

now i’ve remembered walls are not concrete

they are illusive

constructed of fear and doubt

you can let yourself out

by pushing

and not pulling

 

just push through life

be apart of reality

don’t resist

don’t pull away

just be

then there are no walls to run into

and you are free

 

– g.c.

 

 

 

A Brief Summary of My Journey with Spirituality, Art, & Reconnecting with My Soul

I used to wonder who I was going to be. I did not want to choose, but then I learned to fall in love with uncertainty. Before, I learned to tune out reality. Although it was protecting me from ugly truths, I was missing out on life’s lessons and losing touch with all the beautiful things that surrounded me. Now, that I am healing, certain smells that have always been there have become clearer and remind me of childhood. I can’t believe how disconnected from the world one can become. We hold our own little worlds and trick ourselves into believing this is safety, but this is the most self harming and dangerous thing of all. You are missing out on life.

Before I was held by the fear that if I tried new things I wouldn’t enjoy them, or I wouldn’t be very good at them. As children, we are not held by this fear. I would write story books, draw, paint, act, dance, sing and nobody told me I couldn’t. But when we grow up, we start to take things too seriously and adapt the belief that we have to be good at things for them to be fun. Who is even to say what qualifies as “good”? If it makes you happy, makes you feel passion,  excitement, or a deep inner peace, then that is all the qualification you need.  I began finding myself again once I began to shed some of this fear. Instead, I was excited to learn and try new things. Anything and everything around me could be of interest. After I finally stepped out of my little box, I finally saw the world had so much to offer. I wasn’t lacking, but was only looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. I thought to be whole and to live fully I needed gratification from others and material wealth. This was only an illusion. Living in this illusion was not fulfilling at all. It was draining. Finally, when I started to see the world for what it is, which is wondrous, crazy, fantastic, and exciting, I felt more. Allowing myself to feel the emotions I had pushed aside for so long was one of the best things I could have done for myself. I decided to reflect and release, not let them eat away at me. This is how I began writing again. Writing began to fill my soul, allowed me to connect with my inner child, and restore my curiosity. I became more willing to try things. I didn’t limit myself, so I would just begin doing things, such as yoga and painting. All these things that seem to make me feel whole just started to flow through. One day in my yard I just began to do yoga. Another day, I began to draw a scene I had seen driving home from seeing a loved one in the mental hospital. Another, I had begun painting skies and galaxies with watercolors. Everything fell into place, when I decided I wanted to get to know myself and no longer feared to know what I was capable of.

Below are some tools/practices that have helped me.

Helpful Affirmations to Maximize Productivity and Creativity:

I can utilize creative outlets without the temptation to compare and embody fear and doubt.

I am enough. All that I desire to put out into the world is already within me.

Books I Recommend:

The Untethered Soul By Michael Singer- “Energy doesn’t get old, it doesn’t get tired, and it doesn’t need food. What it needs is openness and receptivity.” “Nothing, ever, is worth closing your heart over”

Life Ahead By Krishnamurti

The Power of Now By Eckhart Tolle – “Love, joy, and peace are deep states of Being, or rather three aspects of the state of inner connectedness with Being. As such, they have no opposite. This is because they rise from beyond the mind. Emotions, on the other hand, being part of the dualistic mind, are subject to the law of opposites. This simply means that you cannot have good without bad.”

The Four Agreements By Miguel Ruiz

No Word for Time By Evan T. Pritchard

Essays and English Traits by Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

i’ve fallen in love with change and uncertainty

a worldly experience pours into my consciousness

i allow it to flow through me

fill every aspect of my being

i am not drained

these challenges have warmed the blood in my body

and kept my heartbeat steady

each inflow and outflow of breath is another second i am alive

never asleep, never still

constant

constant movement of thoughts, emotion, fear, love

i am not held by any of these

each moment is different to the next

so this must mean i am free

i am free to change and stop resisting the fact that circumstances will never stay the same

i am free to choose

 

i’ll choose to be like a black raven beating its wings underneath the sun of the Indian summer

enduring the heat

expecting the changes of Autumn

 

change- g.c.

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the coziness of your own bedroom

still moments

lying in fresh linen sheets

the soothing scents of lavender and the pages from an old book

only subtle noises and piano sounds

a headphone in each ear

staring at a roughly patterned ceiling

studying the lines

an empty mind

free of noise

admiring the colors painted all around you

in your own little world

your room

completely aware of your body

every last inch

feeling the peace of shutting your eyelids

lying there

eyes closed

yet still awake

sleepy

the tired creeps up your spine

tempting you

daring you to dance with your dreams

and you reach the point

where you don’t dare defy your body’s hunger for sleep..

 

you wake with a different taste

the sensation of your breath has not caught your attention

the list for the day begins

and you retreat into your shell

can you return to the night

the day asks for too much

you think now

before it was light, bright, and loving

now it lay heavy

your heart is begging the world to take another break

and return your being to your dreams

today your only sanctuary is the darkness

the day asks for too much

so your mind decides to run

 

-Restlessly Defying Sleep, All Five Senses Feel Complete, Feelings Don’t Last, Somedays You’ll Feel Defeat

Lucid Dreaming

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i feel each stage

my consciousness floats away

but my body remains

i feel the cold stillness of my body

i sink into the depths of my present reality

and journey to different planes

i come to the realization that a part of me is still awake

and i am in the presence of an unknown energy

a floating image somewhat familiar awakened me

still in the dream state

i fight to become fully aware and gain control of my body

disoriented at first

paralyzed by fear

because i have been here before

only it never lasted this long

i never had to fight this hard

i relax and remember to be present

i remember the impermanence of my reality

i move, wiggle

try to feel my breath

after several minutes

i am ready to give in and be swallowed by a dark presence

everything spins out of control

my heart beat quickens and the veil is lifted

my eyes open and i gasp

i never left

but what was once there is no longer

and i am in control

– g.c.

 

Falling In Love

“The Romans adopted the characteristics of the Greek god Eros, a small capricious boy, and called him “Cupid.” This god, born of Aphrodite, shoots people with his arrows, causing them to be overwhelmed with an irrational, uncontrollable emotion. It is not the attributes of the other person that causes love, but rather something that happens to you.”

I believe, when we “fall in love” with someone, we are really just easily able to recognize ourselves in that person, yet they are different than us and have different interests, so it makes the relationship that much more exciting. I think falling in love is an awakening of the self, and it is not that someone makes you fall for them, rather apart of you was open to seeing that person for more than what they appeared to be on the surface.