Healing..Again

Excuse my vulgarness in this next poem, but I can’t think of a more subtle analogy to get what I am feeling across.

These past few months a lot of well.. shit, complete and total shit, has happened.. and I haven’t dealt with this shit like how I once did..

I had already built the strength within me to withstand the negative circumstances that would inevitably pop up in my life. My mind had grown to be so beautiful, my perspective, just the way I processed the world around me. I could gain a natural high from the simplest of things, even looking at my own two hands I was in aw. I knew I had to deal with things, to reflect on what I felt, to learn from experience, and to not care or hold judgments. Then, before I knew it, there was too much chaos at once, and I collapsed. I let my hostile environment get the best of me. I was distracted by all the drama outside of me; I lost my sense of self and all of a sudden here I am picking myself back up, after three months, that felt like two weeks in one aspect and a whole year in another. Most memories, feelings, and faces they are hazy and swirled together, a mess I don’t even want to touch. Some are crystal clear, the nights that tore me apart, that made me want to end it all; they left me desolate. Those memories have been the greatest lessons, and surprisingly my source for gratitude.  I am grateful, because every time I face a challenge that ends with me having to heal myself, I mature. I become stronger and wiser, but first comes the pain..

My mind had been ripped apart by the ones I loved most, so I closed, decided to love less, not as deep. This only tore me from myself, who I truly am. My grasp, my connection was pulled even farther. There was a point, when I couldn’t even remember how in the heck I ever loved myself. I was desperate to know what self love was again, because I just felt like a hollow being wasting space. My whole existence was painful. It no longer felt like a blessing. It once did. I may have been in this low place, but something in me knew I couldn’t stay. I had made it out before. There was still a way. So, I said, one day at a time, then maybe I will know love again. I mean, if I was going to choose to stay on this earth, mine as well grow and find that source of bliss.. mine as well find myself, again. I did resent the fact that this felt like square one. I had already sewn together the pieces of me I lost in my years of anger and depression. At least, this time, I had some direction, and an idea as to how to heal. Now, slowly but surely, it is all coming together. Reflecting and remembering I now see where I was lost. I now feel my soul again. These trials and tribulations were necessary. They were not the end all be all. I am even stronger than the girl I had compared myself to in the beginning of this post. I have remembered I always have the option to change,  start over, and to love, again, even if it feels unfamiliar at first. It is all residing within me, I just have to muster the strength to be patient, as the light finds its way out of the dark prison I confined it within.

now, for my ostentatious and explicit thoughts..

 

my mind has been fucked

satan took his dick and screwed out all the beautiful angels that had been living in my pretty little innocent mind

now,

i have to lock the pretty thoughts away,

because dare i encounter another man with rage

he will just take them and piss on them,

and act like i am too naive to have anything worthy saying

 

i feel like a caged bird

i know that sounds cliche

but this is thin ice,

and it’s already started to break

the fragments of me will stay afloat,

but the whole raw parts of my being are sinking,

because they feel so heavy to carry in the kind of world we live in

but it’s like,..

i just know there is solid ground somewhere

the question is can i keep myself above the water before i get there

the knowing will never go away

if i just gave into the impulses,

and became consumed by the standards,

or rather crushed by them,

either way,

i would always know that i am not being authentic

that i am a fake,

because i just don’t fit into this world

how can they ask me to be real,

but to also follow along and do the same..?

 

– screwed by the voices outside then inside me

 

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planetary pollution

a world filled with illusion

awakening means movement

sit still little girl

there is no room for improvement

just this path

hold in those tears

it is of a man to have rage and wrath

noises aren’t real fears

be grateful

it wasn’t you those fists hit

did you want them to?

hush

swallow the lumps

little girl your words are distasteful

stop hurting yourself

memories don’t fade like your cuts, bruises, and bumps

 

and to answer your question

yes

i want it to be me

maybe that way you’d learn to handle your aggression

it’s not that I wish to feel the warmth of welts forming

rather than to not hear your heavy feet storming

towards to door of someone else i love

i’m not begging for your fists to color my porcelain skin

but I’d rather they not smash into the wall again

i want to scream stop

as you bang your chest and the veins in your head throb

you’re hurting yourself

slipping away

farther

killing your daughter

because i do not want you

my beaten up father

i want the man who speaks softly

when he hears the footsteps of his daughter

the only time he is yelling is out of joy

as he plays the big scary monster and chases after his little boy

but then you took the game too far

when your life got repetitive my brother got the blame

the only thing he got from the chase was his very own rage

and with that came shame

so he drowns himself in liquor

because he is still a boy

he can’t survive like you do

swimming in those same old thoughts

day in and day out

for years i was blinded by my own anger

all i saw was a shell that rots

but now i know that you are not empty

the frustration and aching in your bones just make those wild fits tempting

but they don’t want to see you like that

but i know soon you’ll explode if you don’t get some release

you have yet to learn that pounding your fists is not how you breathe

i only hope you find your niche

some form of therapy

but do not give up

please

it is okay if you change

there is nothing to lose but only to gain

my love will not waver

mom is trying to grow

but do not cave for her

you do not need to shrink

if you make yourself any smaller

limit yourself farther

my heart will surely sink

it is all in your head

all in how you think

transform

the scars we will shed

let your soul be fed

nurture yourself

your kids are grown

we are strong enough on our own

we have hurt you too

so return the punch

one last hit

sweep the rug from under our feet

it is okay

i am familiar with the taste of defeat

but i know once i fall

i’ll be ready to fly

because i learned from you

at the end of the day

we all must try

so let us break then consolidate

let us redirect fate

i love you

that will always hold true

breathe

the day is new

 

my family will breathe – g.c.

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if ignorance is bliss
then why are the uneducated dealing with all these hardships
no one is really dumb
it’s just dependent on where you are coming from
there are those who hit and those who get bruises
being impressionable is just apart of being human
except some are left unscarred
but not untethered
a forward an reverse reaction
a need for attachment
relationships feeding off mental harassment
climb up the social ladder
see who gets their faster
accumulate accumulate
is this what makes the human race so great?

– g.c.

Climate Change

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Earth’s climate is in a constant state of change. Day to day we witness the weather change, but rarely notice the long term changes of our climate that are taking place. The climate is what the weather is like overall in a certain area. Climate change can have different effects on the environment and the way we live. Some of these effects may be negative. Different factors affect how the climate changes. The most important factor to consider is the one we have the most control over, which is ourselves.

What may seem like simple choices that humans make can have very large consequences for the climate and environment. For example, it seems the obvious choice for transportation for most people is to drive a car, or ride the bus or a subway, rather than take the time to walk or ride a bike, however, it appears that this can contribute to climate change. It does so by releasing CO2, a greenhouse gas, into the air. Greenhouse gases in the atmosphere cause the earth to retain heat. An excess in greenhouse gases can cause the earth to trap too much heat, changing the climate to be too warm. However, this is not the only affect human’s have on the climate. Our diet has a large impact as well. Animal agriculture appears to be the leading cause of climate change:

  • Farm animals release methane gas, which is twenty times stronger than carbon dioxide at trapping methane gas in our atmosphere.
  • Animal agriculture accounts for 65% of nitrous oxide emissions which is three hundred times stronger than carbon dioxide at trapping heat in the atmosphere

 Humans can also alter the climate through deforestation and growing large amounts of crops for long periods of time. Without trees and other plants to absorb the CO2 in the atmosphere this leads to a concentration of greenhouse gases, shifting the climate to be warmer in that area. Connections have also been found between deforestation and drought, since clouds require moisture and forests store moisture that, when evaporated, aids in the formation of clouds.  Another deliberate human effect is solar radiation management, which is an attempt to “cool” the planet. Different methods are used to reflect sunlight and reduce the amount of C02 in the air. Some examples of this are using plastic polymers to pull gas from the air and stratospheric sulfate aerosols to reflect sunlight. These methods meant to aid in maintaining our planet’s climate seem to be taking a turn for the worst and creating more problems with the climate such as imploding arctic ice and methane eruptions.

It is not only due to humans that the climate changes. Earth’s climate has always shifted over the course of it’s lifetime. For example, it was once covered with ice. This is due to natural events that have taken place. An example of a natural event that could shift earth’s climate is a volcanic eruption. The dust and ash from these eruptions reflect solar radiation, which cools the earth. This also changes the land that surrounds where the eruption occurred including the soil and plant growth, which  also affects the climate of an area. Another common thing that affects climate is water vapor,  an abundant greenhouse gas, in the Earth’s atmosphere. Water vapor works with temperature basically in a cycle. An increase in temperature triggers an increase in water vapor, and when there is more water vapor the air in turn is warmer. When water vapor concentration increases, it condenses into clouds, which reflects solar radiation, helping to cool the planet. Water vapor and volcanic eruption are only a couple, amongst many, nonhuman factors that help shift climate. Both of these factors contribute to the cooling of the planet. It is important to have knowledge of earth’s ever-changing climate, because it is going to affect us in the long run.

To reduce the negative impacts of climate change, we may begin to create and drive more fuel efficient eco-friendly cars or seek other modes of transportation. We may also incorporate things into ours household that are eco-friendly, such as solar panels and fluorescent light bulbs. Industries can begin to use renewable energy sources such as wind energy. Another, more obvious but important way we can help earth’s climate is to recycle. Double checking to see what is recyclable and taking the extra time to do so can really help. But, something that is essential to preserving our environment and controlling the climate, is to change the way we view food and how we eat. It is important for us as well, so we may fully function and contribute to society to take care of ourselves. What we put into our bodies ultimately affects every aspect of our lives. This is our vessel for getting around and we must not take that for granted. We must not take our environment for granted as well. Lastly, we may petition and protest against geoengineering and deforestation, so that the planet may naturally resolve its issues, without human interference. Here is more on the corrupt science behind geoengineering programs:

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the lines carved into my palms imitate the lines of the water
seen within the reflection of the sunlight
connected to a source
pure life
i don’t know where this image is being projected from
all i know is the gratitude that fills my heart because i get to witness this movie with my eyes
and feel the pressure being carried down through the sky
to cool the earth and keep me alive

i love the lonely nights

when i sit in spite of the clock

its tedious tick

has the characteristic of a gnawing itch

it is a mind game

i win

i make the rules

decide if i will be eluded

i’ve grown stronger now

my perception reaches beyond deception

the quiet night

quiet like myself

words floating closer to the surface

quickly I catch them

spoken

my views face discretion

i will never get them

so i am here on my own

thank god i no longer cling and know how to be alone

if they only knew gentleness

delicate enough to hold the truth

they’d be thrown

the world would spin around and head closer to home

the stars we’ve been shown

but fear kept us from knowing

the pain is showing

i psychoanalyze each and every encounter

i must deal with disguise but i won’t stop trying

because my hunger is not for a lies

try to offer and soothe

hoping the gentle and calm will bring about anxiety and hatred’s demise

those feelings harbor dark places for the ego to thrive

it’s time it was brushed off

for i can see it in their eyes

their shoulders are tired

it is difficult enough to put up the facade

to hold all this weight

dreams crushed instead of made

they can still be saved

i am still hopeful

the night is my rope still

i hold on to move on

forgiveness

i am mending

intertwined with the divine

grasp onto the line

let it lift you

high enough to see the light

then you’ll see just as i

even though the night is dark and lonely

everything is alright

you will be fine

 

stream of consciousness – g.c.

i don’t know when i will be able to relinquish this idea

i thought i had almost defeated this association

this insecurity

but hunger still feels like pride

and fullness always feels like shame

 

what an erroneous idea

that emptiness equals wholeness

 

thin – g.c.