i’ve fallen in love with change and uncertainty

a worldly experience pours into my consciousness

i allow it to flow through me

fill every aspect of my being

i am not drained

these challenges have warmed the blood in my body

and kept my heartbeat steady

each inflow and outflow of breath is another second i am alive

never asleep, never still

constant

constant movement of thoughts, emotion, fear, love

i am not held by any of these

each moment is different to the next

so this must mean i am free

i am free to change and stop resisting the fact that circumstances will never stay the same

i am free to choose

 

i’ll choose to be like a black raven beating its wings underneath the sun of the Indian summer

enduring the heat

expecting the changes of Autumn

 

change- g.c.

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Falling In Love

“The Romans adopted the characteristics of the Greek god Eros, a small capricious boy, and called him “Cupid.” This god, born of Aphrodite, shoots people with his arrows, causing them to be overwhelmed with an irrational, uncontrollable emotion. It is not the attributes of the other person that causes love, but rather something that happens to you.”

I believe, when we “fall in love” with someone, we are really just easily able to recognize ourselves in that person, yet they are different than us and have different interests, so it makes the relationship that much more exciting. I think falling in love is an awakening of the self, and it is not that someone makes you fall for them, rather apart of you was open to seeing that person for more than what they appeared to be on the surface.

 

i can not feel bad for desiring to be alone.

just me and my mind.

i can not continue to resist the obligation i feel to immerse myself in the external world.

the force i put on myself to be amongst others and to be normal

wears me down,

so that the pull inside of me that begs for me to nurture the self

gets tired and i let go of who i am all together.

i lose my hold on myself,

and become small in the large chaos of the material world.

i can no longer bare to hurt myself like this,

so i will immerse myself in both worlds.

when there is agitation in either,

i will sit at the seat of my soul,

and know all that is outside of me is within me.

i can chose who i am in the present,

and nothing can ever change that,

because all there ever really is is change.

 

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i will not hold onto your love

and i will not hold a grudge

you hurt me

but pain is a great teacher

my pain has been a guide to liberation

i am free from your love

and have found my own

free of thirst

i swallow the love that is given

and ask for no more

i will no longer beg

your love is no longer a tease

it is not the breath that gives me life

i am stronger

not because of the times you loved me

but all those times you denied my thirst

thank god i did not take from you

you appeared to me as a well

but now that i have had a look inside

i see that you are empty

empty and dry

you lied when you said you were full and satisfied

my intuition steered me away from my thirst for a lie

even though it was of you to lie and deny

i will not deny your thirst

when i opened my mind

i found a river flowing with the best water you’ll find

it is endless

just like i am

infinite love and sustenance

to give to all

even those who are bone dry

whole – g.c.

nothing to separate the night from the day

i never tire

always awake

an energy

excited for life

time isn’t there

i don’t age

i grow

i learn

i live

i am a soul thriving

i see

my perception draws what surrounds me

it draws stars and universes in passing eyes

i speak

from my soul

i will not allow my intuition, my voice, my answers to be shut down

so ideals and lies can speak

my perspective will remain positive

as my life grows and I change

 

the truth isn’t harsh, if you have the right mindset – g.c.

Deep Rest

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The worst period of my life began right around the time I was getting ready to go into high school, so when I was in 8th grade. And, it continued up until the end of my sophomore year.

When you get into 8th grade, this is the time you start to worry about your future. This is the part of life where shit gets real. Let’s say I did not handle that too well. I began to overthink and form negative thinking patterns (I got anxiety, and I got it bad). My mom always called me a worry wart, but I think the amount of anxiety I was getting in 8th grade even made her worry. I began to think that I had reached my peak and that it was all downhill from there. Well, my life did start to go downhill, hence the picture of the rollercoaster. Yeah, I was at that point in my life at the age of fourteen. Good news is, and I didn’t realize this at the time, that after you reach the bottom you go back up to the top, and then you might come down again, but that is just the way life goes, for a while. Eventually though, you will be able to get off the rollercoaster and become grounded. The ride ends, once you realize you are in control. Well, you will still have those highs and lows. They give life balance. Maybe not everything in your life will be in your control, but at least you’ll have control of your mind and be rid of the constant cycle of self sabotaging thoughts and depression.

There is nothing wrong with the choices my parents made, but looking at their lives scared the shit out of me. There was no way I would ever be satisfied continuing on the stressful path of going to school, getting a degree, choosing a career, sticking with it, finding a husband, and raising children to live the same kind of life. I wasn’t certain of what I wanted and felt I lacked purpose. I did not just want to fit in. A part of me knew life had more meaning. Life could be more than this. It should be more. This cycle of living simply and secure had to end. Good thing I had an older brother who deviated from literally everything that was considered normal.When I was only fourteen, his refusal to conform was truly shocking to me. I looked down on him for it, honestly. But, he was two years older. I didn’t understand, yet.

I was trying to figure out who I was, which is hard, when everything you do is to fit in and gain popularity. I had no idea of what I wanted to become. I feared what would happen if I didn’t get into a good college.I feared mediocrity. I hated the idea of going to college to be more stressed and getting a 9 to 5 job to be even more stressed.

At this time, I also had family issues that I avoided. One of the most important bonds I have now is with my brother, but at this time he was my enemy. There was a lot of chaos and basically, I  couldn’t handle it.  So I drowned it all out and “went to sleep” or “shut off”, whatever you want to call it. I was depressed. “Sick” was the term I liked to use. I never felt good enough to go to school. Either my head or my stomach was always bothering me. My family liked to say that I was sick as well, but I don’t think any of them truly believed it.  But, it’s better than admitting someone is lost and empty, and you don’t know how to fix them. The only person that could fix me was me, and I did, kind of. There will always be room for improvement, but I love the idea that I am constantly growing, changing, learning. There is always some way I can live my life better today, than the way I lived it yesterday.

I still have my days. I occasionally fall into negative thinking patterns, but instead of resisting this aspect of myself, I accept it. I am human. I feel. One thing I learned coming out from that period of my life was that it is important to let yourself feel. Feelings are there for a reason. They tell you about who you are, what you need, and what you desire. They give life purpose. Our emotions are an important source of inspiration. They connect us to our creativity and connect us to one another. We should be encouraged to express our emotions freely, not suppress them to the point where we don’t feel, we don’t desire, and there is no emotion to ignite a passion for life.

 

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you were seen as an enemy,

hate almost ended me.

realized that my “enemy” was the very one defending me,

understanding became our remedy

there was no need for an apology,

i gave forgiveness,

finally i was thinking logically

my head was clouded by monsters who fed on insecurity,

unease and displease created by monotony,

my soul hidden whilst in a dream,

hope was far so it would seem,

running on slippery habits like a hydraulic machine,

words conditioned to be mean,

truth of words unseen,

giving love had to wait,

when hate wanted to take,

when i saw hate could never be satisfied,

it became clear that love and truth would soon be at stake

it took one long fall from my view of grace,

for me to be driven to get back in the race,

love, light, truth finally given,

our conversations told me to start living

a brother, a teacher, a best friend,

you saved me,

true,

but it was not all you,

it was my fight,

but you shed the light

we were empty,

now we’re close to full,

rid of habits that made life seem dull,

now we know love again

thank you,

for you inspire me,

and I admire you,

more than i like to show,

i love you big brother more than you could ever know

 

a brother, a teacher, a best friend – g.c.