A Brief Summary of My Journey with Spirituality, Art, & Reconnecting with My Soul

I used to wonder who I was going to be. I did not want to choose, but then I learned to fall in love with uncertainty. Before, I learned to tune out reality. Although it was protecting me from ugly truths, I was missing out on life’s lessons and losing touch with all the beautiful things that surrounded me. Now, that I am healing, certain smells that have always been there have become clearer and remind me of childhood. I can’t believe how disconnected from the world one can become. We hold our own little worlds and trick ourselves into believing this is safety, but this is the most self harming and dangerous thing of all. You are missing out on life.

Before I was held by the fear that if I tried new things I wouldn’t enjoy them, or I wouldn’t be very good at them. As children, we are not held by this fear. I would write story books, draw, paint, act, dance, sing and nobody told me I couldn’t. But when we grow up, we start to take things too seriously and adapt the belief that we have to be good at things for them to be fun. Who is even to say what qualifies as “good”? If it makes you happy, makes you feel passion,  excitement, or a deep inner peace, then that is all the qualification you need.  I began finding myself again once I began to shed some of this fear. Instead, I was excited to learn and try new things. Anything and everything around me could be of interest. After I finally stepped out of my little box, I finally saw the world had so much to offer. I wasn’t lacking, but was only looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. I thought to be whole and to live fully I needed gratification from others and material wealth. This was only an illusion. Living in this illusion was not fulfilling at all. It was draining. Finally, when I started to see the world for what it is, which is wondrous, crazy, fantastic, and exciting, I felt more. Allowing myself to feel the emotions I had pushed aside for so long was one of the best things I could have done for myself. I decided to reflect and release, not let them eat away at me. This is how I began writing again. Writing began to fill my soul, allowed me to connect with my inner child, and restore my curiosity. I became more willing to try things. I didn’t limit myself, so I would just begin doing things, such as yoga and painting. All these things that seem to make me feel whole just started to flow through. One day in my yard I just began to do yoga. Another day, I began to draw a scene I had seen driving home from seeing a loved one in the mental hospital. Another, I had begun painting skies and galaxies with watercolors. Everything fell into place, when I decided I wanted to get to know myself and no longer feared to know what I was capable of.

Below are some tools/practices that have helped me.

Helpful Affirmations to Maximize Productivity and Creativity:

I can utilize creative outlets without the temptation to compare and embody fear and doubt.

I am enough. All that I desire to put out into the world is already within me.

Books I Recommend:

The Untethered Soul By Michael Singer- “Energy doesn’t get old, it doesn’t get tired, and it doesn’t need food. What it needs is openness and receptivity.” “Nothing, ever, is worth closing your heart over”

Life Ahead By Krishnamurti

The Power of Now By Eckhart Tolle – “Love, joy, and peace are deep states of Being, or rather three aspects of the state of inner connectedness with Being. As such, they have no opposite. This is because they rise from beyond the mind. Emotions, on the other hand, being part of the dualistic mind, are subject to the law of opposites. This simply means that you cannot have good without bad.”

The Four Agreements By Miguel Ruiz

No Word for Time By Evan T. Pritchard

Essays and English Traits by Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

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i am the Atlantic,

i run deep,

life can survive in the darkest parts of me,

i run in different directions,

but my waves follow the moon,

i run into other oceans,

that i can never stray from,

i love everything from myself to infinity

i believe in oceans and worlds beyond me,

with the moon as a guide and the stars as companions

believing is just as easy as knowing,

and i know that i am a soul as deep and as beautiful as the ocean

 

seemingly endless self – g.c.

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places for negative thoughts to be harbored are etched into our minds,

space for the past and all its taunting mistakes to be held

and all our hopes for the future to be kept.

where uncertainty conquers all desire,

and where presence remains absent.

here,

sanity is lost.

when a moment comes that you are full and content,

see that there is no shelter or safety in this place.

though it may feel that way,

it is only the confinements manifested by negative thoughts.

it may feel as if it is where you’re meant to be,

where you may be drawn into your vices,

safe for excuses to be born.

it is not where you are meant to be.

you’ll remember,

once you leave this harbor tethering you to pity and self doubt,

venture out into open waters,

let yourself sink deep within the depths of your soul,

find a new home within the present,

carrying with you the lightness of an open heart and an open mind within a moment.

surrender: liberation – g.c.

my judgment has shapeshifted into wonder and awe

hateful ignorant emotions

replaced with love, compassion, and empathy

i forgave the scrutinized

and the scrutiny

once due apologies had been graced

judgment vanished

 

forgiveness gave me peace

peace gave me love

 

forgiveness, a remedy – g.c.

When You Feel Depressed

It is hard to even build up the desire to heal, because you really don’t feel anything. The most important thing to remember when you feel this way, is that nothing lasts forever. There is sort of an inner peace that comes with realizing this truth, at least for me. The second most important thing is never feel guilty for the way that you feel. You can not force happiness, although it is a choice, that is not always easy to see. The feeling of being depressed is almost like being in a dark cave. It may be an empty and lonely cave, but you just feel all this tumultuousness in this small space. Loud thoughts echoing throughout this place. It seems there is no escaping them, trapped. There is a way out. Every cave has its opening, but depression is just this wall in your mind that all the shit you’ve been pushing aside “for later” has built up. And by shit, I mean those feelings that you don’t want to deal with because they are unwanted, but emotions aren’t there to screw with you and make you feel vulnerable. They are there to tell you about yourself. They are there to show you what you truly want. Take moments to feel the emotions you get when in different environments, or when you are surrounded by certain people. Your emotions are trying to teach you, tell you what is right for you, what you desire, what will make you truly happy. When we push our emotions aside, we end up in situations we do not want to be in. We end up doing what we think is right and normal, because we are listening to other people and not ourselves.

To heal:

  1. Show yourself some love in some way: Nurture your mind and body. When you are depressed, be present with that emotion. Do not focus on trying to get rid of it. Acknowledge it. Sit with it. Have a glass of water. Focus on feeling the moment wholly. Being in the moment, I find makes depression fade quickly. Focus on what you can do now and not what needs to be done later. Take care of your body. Go for a walk. Get up and stretch. Breath deeply. Do something that exercises your mind. Read a book. Write about what you are feeling. Give yourself time to do something you love. Maybe that will be playing a guitar, cooking, or cranking up some music and just dancing around. The most important part here is to give time to yourself. Take care of yourself first. This is the only way you will be able to give to others. I understand this can be difficult to do, when you are required to be places and have responsibilities, but when all that is done, don’t go running around trying to help everyone else, when you can not even help yourself.
  2. This next one goes hand in hand with the first, because it is about nurturing the mind and the body. The only difference is that this next “tip” is for nurturing your soul too. Meditate. Yeah, that word can kind of turn people away. To some it seems near impossible to “quiet your mind” or to even gain control over your own mind, but after all it is your own mind. Consciously think any thought you want right now, make it a happy one. See, control. That is another thing you can do when depressed, replace negative thoughts by consciously thinking a positive one. Change your thoughts; change your world. You really do have control and you really do have the capability of looking at the bright side of things. All it takes is the belief that you are in control. Back to meditating, there are different ways to get started. Just find what works for you. Guided meditations, where someone is telling you what to focus on, can be a good way to ease into it.
  3. Smile, even if you are not happy. Smile and think about someone or something that you truly appreciate to have in your life. It can be anything from your dog, food to eat, your best friend, or simply the air you are breathing. Consciously walk with pep in your step, even if you are fatigued. The most important thing is to try. It may not completely change how you are feeling, but it is a step in the right direction.
  4. Find something that will make you laugh.
  5. Look at photos and remember the people you have in your life and all the great experiences you have been given in your life thus far. Accept that you may not be having the greatest experience right now, and that there are highs and lows to life.
  6. Open a shade. Let in the sun. Or, go outside, even if it is not the perfect day. Get some fresh air. Relax and appreciate the life that surrounds and embodies you.
  7. Movement. Try yoga or just a couple of light stretches. Go for a jog without the idea that you must do it, so you may look a certain way. Do it for you.
  8. Start replacing all bad habits, but especially ones that bring on feelings of depression. Replace those habits with good ones. When you get the desire to do something you know will hinder you or make you feel bad in the future, switch your focus to a different task. Sit down and meditate, get some chores done, go for a walk until the feeling goes away, whatever works. Try anything you feel may help.

Lastly, do not feel alone. For a while I was not very open about my emotions and was embarrassed by the fact that I would get depressed. I denied it, which only made it worse. Acknowledgment is key, so is acceptance. You will work your way through it. Trust in yourself. Everyone can heal. Everyone can change. I truly believe that. All it takes is believing you are capable.

just as nature

we all appear so simple

but looks deceive

in actuality

we are all so vast and complex

you are someone only you can fully know

don’t ever look for the answers to another’s mystery

give up your desire to know

because like nature

no one is just one answer

but many

too many to manage

too many to make sense of

but to break it down

make it simple

we are infinite

infinite love

and that is all that matters

chemistry – g.c.