what do i need to do to make my heart happy? …


my heart is not happy when it feels “still”
although it is never still
there is no awareness of it
no recognition of its existence
nothing moving it

to make me feel

just the continuous flow of blood
but nothing to stimulate and make this all worth it
yet it beats..
i love and appreciation the feelings that come from my persistent beating heart

persistent

regardless if i acknowledge it..

 

Gratitude is the answer.

 

ask yourself – g.c.

 

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CONFIDENCE AND WORTH

if you say you do something and talk about something you support, why do people feel the need to knock you down to their level and take offense?

like.. you’re happy you did something good, even though it may have been simple.

some people, who are insecure, always need to make others feel like there is no way no how you can be above them.

so, they assume that is what you are trying to say.

but don’t let their need to defend themselves offend your accomplishments or take away your happiness.

they are making judgements on where they are in life, and clearly it is not the same place as you, if they can’t allow themselves to feel good about the littlest things that they say, do, and put out into the world.

everything and i mean everything has worth in some way to someone or something.

this is a reoccurring lesson in my life.

only i add value to things,

and that value is only as high as wide as my perception can reach.

i am a world in and of itself,

a series of processes,

created by an intelligence,

gifted with my own to process the world, which i also contribute to creating.

it’s fucking magical,

and i’m happy.

and i feel great about myself and the fact that i exist.

so, no one, no how will knock me down a peg.

because i do not see myself as better,

but i do see myself as worthy.

 

– g.c.

i don’t know when i will be able to relinquish this idea

i thought i had almost defeated this association

this insecurity

but hunger still feels like pride

and fullness always feels like shame

 

what an erroneous idea

that emptiness equals wholeness

 

thin – g.c.

 

how do you transform poison

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Okay. Before you read, it is going to seem a little harsh, but it was truly how I was feeling in that moment. I know there is good compassionate people in this world, it is just often masked by the large amount of hate, jealousy, and greed. Even those who possess these qualities are innately good, I believe.

I think for too long now, there has been a lack of knowledge. I also think there is a bit of a disconnect amongst humans and our true nature. We are the same at the core. Many will try to deny this, but there is evidence in those who have been brave enough to strip away their egos and bare the layers of their souls. This was written in a time of hopelessness and is far from how I feel today. Anyways, here is an old entry from my journal:

everywhere I go I see poisoned minds

there is no normalcy anymore

everything about the world and its people

it’s crazy and fucked up

it has made me physically sick

this evil

these ideas

they are the disease of the world

what can I do?

 

how do you transform poison? – g.c.

 

So, like I said, harsh. I wrote it a couple months ago. I needed to write this down, to express what I was feeling, which was deep pain and hopelessness. I felt powerless and angry. The whole thing probably sounds dramatic, but honestly, I don’t think it is. That breaks my heart to even say.

I wrote this, because I was aggravated by the separation in our world. I was lost. I could not understand hate. I was uncertain of myself and my capability to help others. I had no confidence in myself, which was clearly reflected in my confidence in the world.

In my mind, peace seems easy. It is a simple idea. If each of us worked on ourselves and put our best effort forward, everything would be easier, we would know harmony. We would be one civilization with no borders, nothing owned, only shared. Who said the world was ours any how? What gives one human being more of a right to land than another? Most people would see me as a silly naive little girl for having this idea. I know, right now, it is not that simple. This picture represents only one event that is occurring in our world, where human beings are causing harm to one another. “What can I do?”, is a question I am sure many, like myself, ask. Certain humans are made to feel powerless in these situations, yet they continue to tell us that we have a voice and that we are free. I have come to realize I am not powerless. I no longer desire to let the circumstances of the outer world limit me and keep me stagnant. Everyday, I can make the choice to be loving and kind and to grow. I do not need to take out any discontent, that I may be feeling inside, out on the rest of the world. I control my happiness. Everyone controls their own happiness, but many do not realize this. So, I can choose to spread love to those who are lacking, to those who feel out of control.

A scared little girl wrote this journal entry. She no longer lives inside of me. I am not controlled by my fears. I am not controlled by other’s opinions. I struggle, but at the end of the day, I always choose love. Even when I let fear slip into my mind, when I allow hopelessness to take over, something inside of me is stronger now, due to the knowledge I have gained. I have complete trust in myself, that I will always get back up, even when my thoughts bring me to the verge of giving up. I have come to appreciate everything that I am and everything that I have. Gratitude helped me to fall far too much in love with this world to ever give up on it.