i wanna be curled up under a blanket of stars with someone who i know doesn’t care about the trivial

who doesn’t take life too seriously

and can just appreciate the time we have on this beautiful planet

to feel free of this body

my soul invigorated

close to another

alike minds

restless yet at peace with the totality of this complex reality..

instead i am trapped inside

inside my body

inside a house

by myself

burdened by anxiety

the fear of letting go of reality

feeling crazy

for fearing my dreams and what they mean about me

what has changed

from the time i was once so carefree to now

now

when my mind is the one playing tricks to scare me from resting, loving, living, and being free

 

 

 

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be aware of who you surround yourself with
just because they’re family does not mean they have your best interest at hand
if you use the word family to set high expectations
you are going to give them all the power to hurt you when you allow their actions to disappoint you
they themselves won’t know how much they have affected you
until you let them go
this is where you have patience
because if you wait
those who are meant to be in your life
won’t feel abandoned by you
rather they’ll follow you down the higher road
and thank you for lighting the way

 

family shouldn’t cost you love for yourself- g.c.

my heart dances

from the slightest resemblance of passion

the smallest acts of kindness

and littlest notion of love

 

i have a new rhythm

and i feel invincible

 

– g.c.

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too often i find myself in places where i am not truly wanted

i remain silent

heart sinking

keeping truth bottled up

but space to hide is limited

ideas far too wide to keep inside

so i seek solitude

locking myself away

i am ironically free

 

there was once a time where i did not know

so i would listen

i too sat and nodded

now i get up and leave

something changed

 

ignorance and small talk are no longer for me

 

conditioned conversation – g.c.

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places for negative thoughts to be harbored are etched into our minds,

space for the past and all its taunting mistakes to be held

and all our hopes for the future to be kept.

where uncertainty conquers all desire,

and where presence remains absent.

here,

sanity is lost.

when a moment comes that you are full and content,

see that there is no shelter or safety in this place.

though it may feel that way,

it is only the confinements manifested by negative thoughts.

it may feel as if it is where you’re meant to be,

where you may be drawn into your vices,

safe for excuses to be born.

it is not where you are meant to be.

you’ll remember,

once you leave this harbor tethering you to pity and self doubt,

venture out into open waters,

let yourself sink deep within the depths of your soul,

find a new home within the present,

carrying with you the lightness of an open heart and an open mind within a moment.

surrender: liberation – g.c.

my judgment has shapeshifted into wonder and awe

hateful ignorant emotions

replaced with love, compassion, and empathy

i forgave the scrutinized

and the scrutiny

once due apologies had been graced

judgment vanished

 

forgiveness gave me peace

peace gave me love

 

forgiveness, a remedy – g.c.

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i will not hold onto your love

and i will not hold a grudge

you hurt me

but pain is a great teacher

my pain has been a guide to liberation

i am free from your love

and have found my own

free of thirst

i swallow the love that is given

and ask for no more

i will no longer beg

your love is no longer a tease

it is not the breath that gives me life

i am stronger

not because of the times you loved me

but all those times you denied my thirst

thank god i did not take from you

you appeared to me as a well

but now that i have had a look inside

i see that you are empty

empty and dry

you lied when you said you were full and satisfied

my intuition steered me away from my thirst for a lie

even though it was of you to lie and deny

i will not deny your thirst

when i opened my mind

i found a river flowing with the best water you’ll find

it is endless

just like i am

infinite love and sustenance

to give to all

even those who are bone dry

whole – g.c.

guilt.

it lingers.

i forgive myself each time,

but i am lying.

memories of your irritation, rage, and desolate depression are hazy,

but i can reawaken the feeling of fear,

as if i am back in that moment,

a scared little girl,

her artificial attitude her only defense.

 

a high strung and cynical child.

vulnerable,

i still desired your love,

uncertain if it was still there,

unaware of how to obtain it.

hope, change, optimism sounded all too strange,

unwelcome in our hostile environment.

 

ignorance reigned over our emotions.

now,

better things have come with knowledge,

at least for me.

still,

i wonder,

do you forgive me for adding to your circumstance?

i am better,

but are you?

can you forgive me?

i was so cruel.

even still,

you get angry.

pity, guilt, and sorrow will never be enough.

i was cruel,

but i do not deserve to cling to these emotions,

as if they are making up for something.

they are only meant to stay for a short visit,

only meant to teach me a lesson,

to teach me,

my love,

all love,

is prolific.

i only hope that you too see that.

i only hope that a man can learn to be vulnerable,

even if just for a second.

i hope you do not hear the echo of the times i said, “i hate you.”

everytime i say, ”i love you”

i hope that you’ll forgive me,

but i can no longer bare to continue to feel guilty.  

 

– g.c.