this time i did not try to escape reality

i immersed myself in it

i ran head on into my fears

this time

instead of running into a wall

disabling me

making me forget who i am

i found who i am

and found relief

i learned that walls don’t prevent you

you can free fall right through them

into a new dimension..

and might i mention

this wasn’t the first time i had done this

as a child

i had no walls to construct

because fear was challenged everyday as i grew

a leap into the pool without anything to keep me afloat

was a leap of faith in myself

now i’ve remembered walls are not concrete

they are illusive

constructed of fear and doubt

you can let yourself out

by pushing

and not pulling

 

just push through life

be apart of reality

don’t resist

don’t pull away

just be

then there are no walls to run into

and you are free

 

– g.c.

 

 

 

Advertisements

A Brief Summary of My Journey with Spirituality, Art, & Reconnecting with My Soul

I used to wonder who I was going to be. I did not want to choose, but then I learned to fall in love with uncertainty. Before, I learned to tune out reality. Although it was protecting me from ugly truths, I was missing out on life’s lessons and losing touch with all the beautiful things that surrounded me. Now, that I am healing, certain smells that have always been there have become clearer and remind me of childhood. I can’t believe how disconnected from the world one can become. We hold our own little worlds and trick ourselves into believing this is safety, but this is the most self harming and dangerous thing of all. You are missing out on life.

Before I was held by the fear that if I tried new things I wouldn’t enjoy them, or I wouldn’t be very good at them. As children, we are not held by this fear. I would write story books, draw, paint, act, dance, sing and nobody told me I couldn’t. But when we grow up, we start to take things too seriously and adapt the belief that we have to be good at things for them to be fun. Who is even to say what qualifies as “good”? If it makes you happy, makes you feel passion,  excitement, or a deep inner peace, then that is all the qualification you need.  I began finding myself again once I began to shed some of this fear. Instead, I was excited to learn and try new things. Anything and everything around me could be of interest. After I finally stepped out of my little box, I finally saw the world had so much to offer. I wasn’t lacking, but was only looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. I thought to be whole and to live fully I needed gratification from others and material wealth. This was only an illusion. Living in this illusion was not fulfilling at all. It was draining. Finally, when I started to see the world for what it is, which is wondrous, crazy, fantastic, and exciting, I felt more. Allowing myself to feel the emotions I had pushed aside for so long was one of the best things I could have done for myself. I decided to reflect and release, not let them eat away at me. This is how I began writing again. Writing began to fill my soul, allowed me to connect with my inner child, and restore my curiosity. I became more willing to try things. I didn’t limit myself, so I would just begin doing things, such as yoga and painting. All these things that seem to make me feel whole just started to flow through. One day in my yard I just began to do yoga. Another day, I began to draw a scene I had seen driving home from seeing a loved one in the mental hospital. Another, I had begun painting skies and galaxies with watercolors. Everything fell into place, when I decided I wanted to get to know myself and no longer feared to know what I was capable of.

Below are some tools/practices that have helped me.

Helpful Affirmations to Maximize Productivity and Creativity:

I can utilize creative outlets without the temptation to compare and embody fear and doubt.

I am enough. All that I desire to put out into the world is already within me.

Books I Recommend:

The Untethered Soul By Michael Singer- “Energy doesn’t get old, it doesn’t get tired, and it doesn’t need food. What it needs is openness and receptivity.” “Nothing, ever, is worth closing your heart over”

Life Ahead By Krishnamurti

The Power of Now By Eckhart Tolle – “Love, joy, and peace are deep states of Being, or rather three aspects of the state of inner connectedness with Being. As such, they have no opposite. This is because they rise from beyond the mind. Emotions, on the other hand, being part of the dualistic mind, are subject to the law of opposites. This simply means that you cannot have good without bad.”

The Four Agreements By Miguel Ruiz

No Word for Time By Evan T. Pritchard

Essays and English Traits by Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

IMG_9181

the coziness of your own bedroom

still moments

lying in fresh linen sheets

the soothing scents of lavender and the pages from an old book

only subtle noises and piano sounds

a headphone in each ear

staring at a roughly patterned ceiling

studying the lines

an empty mind

free of noise

admiring the colors painted all around you

in your own little world

your room

completely aware of your body

every last inch

feeling the peace of shutting your eyelids

lying there

eyes closed

yet still awake

sleepy

the tired creeps up your spine

tempting you

daring you to dance with your dreams

and you reach the point

where you don’t dare defy your body’s hunger for sleep..

 

you wake with a different taste

the sensation of your breath has not caught your attention

the list for the day begins

and you retreat into your shell

can you return to the night

the day asks for too much

you think now

before it was light, bright, and loving

now it lay heavy

your heart is begging the world to take another break

and return your being to your dreams

today your only sanctuary is the darkness

the day asks for too much

so your mind decides to run

 

-Restlessly Defying Sleep, All Five Senses Feel Complete, Feelings Don’t Last, Somedays You’ll Feel Defeat

Fathers

He pours a store bought frozen meal out of its tray, onto a clean plate. The plate isn’t necessary. It is there to remind him of a home cooked meal, to remind him of a time when someone thought of him enough to make him one, and he did not bare all the burdens. There was a time, when life was a little more than a microwaved meal. It was more than a moment’s rest on a worn couch, awaiting responsibility to call his name. There was a time, when he got kisses and laughter in return for his labor, when he got to delve into his imagination and pretend to be the wondrous tickle monster. The giggles his love stole are now stored away as distant memories. All that is remaining is the memory of a happier life, these memories, buried under the consumption of practicality, responsibility, and hopelessness. He was dragged into a cycle that seemingly begins from nowhere and awaits a seemingly unknowable uncontrollable end.

I, with wondering eyes, watch this creature of habit. My brain is entwined with maybes and whys, and I sense the end is the goal for far too many men.

 

the future

the essence of all my fears

not even the past can amount to the future

not even the countless tears in my tattered heart

i fear what the past will bring to the future

to dissolve the illusory

to make art

that can calm an old yet restless heart

but the difficulty sometimes

i fight in my mind 

 

the future

feels so real

feel it breathing on your achilles heel

weakness creeps

you feel it twisting in your stomach

no,

not butterflies

so heavy it makes the rest of you feel light

small

your mind reeks of it

 

the future doesn’t give you something to hold onto

refuses your desire for strength

whispers to you that you have reached your peak

now you are on your way down

 

the future

the hand that shoves you down the mountain of all your hopes and dreams

pushing you away from the present moment

away from progress 

won’t allow you time to work on yourself

too distressed

completely and ironically obsessed with the future

thinking of the possibility that those dreams are all that they seem

a simple silly dream

 

the future wears you down to the bone

steals you with its slumber

not allowing you to see that it is but a dream

those seemingly catastrophic possibilities only occur in your restless mind

 

your aspirations could be thriving and becoming in the present

but the future has a grip that seemingly won’t slip

but i grabbed onto it

fed it power

maybe it’d be easier

to ease its grip

if i stopped holding onto it

after all i reached for the future

held its hand

nurtured that demon

my demon

the nightmare that is the future

the darkness shading the light that is the present

 

so i guess instead

when the present gets too heated

i will find my comfort and shade under the presence of a tree

not in my mind

or by allowing a dark illusory future to block out the beautiful truth that is the present 

 

the future – g.c.

 

IMG_5037.JPG