Healing..Again

Excuse my vulgarness in this next poem, but I can’t think of a more subtle analogy to get what I am feeling across.

These past few months a lot of well.. shit, complete and total shit, has happened.. and I haven’t dealt with this shit like how I once did..

I had already built the strength within me to withstand the negative circumstances that would inevitably pop up in my life. My mind had grown to be so beautiful, my perspective, just the way I processed the world around me. I could gain a natural high from the simplest of things, even looking at my own two hands I was in aw. I knew I had to deal with things, to reflect on what I felt, to learn from experience, and to not care or hold judgments. Then, before I knew it, there was too much chaos at once, and I collapsed. I let my hostile environment get the best of me. I was distracted by all the drama outside of me; I lost my sense of self and all of a sudden here I am picking myself back up, after three months, that felt like two weeks in one aspect and a whole year in another. Most memories, feelings, and faces they are hazy and swirled together, a mess I don’t even want to touch. Some are crystal clear, the nights that tore me apart, that made me want to end it all; they left me desolate. Those memories have been the greatest lessons, and surprisingly my source for gratitude.  I am grateful, because every time I face a challenge that ends with me having to heal myself, I mature. I become stronger and wiser, but first comes the pain..

My mind had been ripped apart by the ones I loved most, so I closed, decided to love less, not as deep. This only tore me from myself, who I truly am. My grasp, my connection was pulled even farther. There was a point, when I couldn’t even remember how in the heck I ever loved myself. I was desperate to know what self love was again, because I just felt like a hollow being wasting space. My whole existence was painful. It no longer felt like a blessing. It once did. I may have been in this low place, but something in me knew I couldn’t stay. I had made it out before. There was still a way. So, I said, one day at a time, then maybe I will know love again. I mean, if I was going to choose to stay on this earth, mine as well grow and find that source of bliss.. mine as well find myself, again. I did resent the fact that this felt like square one. I had already sewn together the pieces of me I lost in my years of anger and depression. At least, this time, I had some direction, and an idea as to how to heal. Now, slowly but surely, it is all coming together. Reflecting and remembering I now see where I was lost. I now feel my soul again. These trials and tribulations were necessary. They were not the end all be all. I am even stronger than the girl I had compared myself to in the beginning of this post. I have remembered I always have the option to change,  start over, and to love, again, even if it feels unfamiliar at first. It is all residing within me, I just have to muster the strength to be patient, as the light finds its way out of the dark prison I confined it within.

now, for my ostentatious and explicit thoughts..

 

my mind has been fucked

satan took his dick and screwed out all the beautiful angels that had been living in my pretty little innocent mind

now,

i have to lock the pretty thoughts away,

because dare i encounter another man with rage

he will just take them and piss on them,

and act like i am too naive to have anything worthy saying

 

i feel like a caged bird

i know that sounds cliche

but this is thin ice,

and it’s already started to break

the fragments of me will stay afloat,

but the whole raw parts of my being are sinking,

because they feel so heavy to carry in the kind of world we live in

but it’s like,..

i just know there is solid ground somewhere

the question is can i keep myself above the water before i get there

the knowing will never go away

if i just gave into the impulses,

and became consumed by the standards,

or rather crushed by them,

either way,

i would always know that i am not being authentic

that i am a fake,

because i just don’t fit into this world

how can they ask me to be real,

but to also follow along and do the same..?

 

– screwed by the voices outside then inside me

 

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the coziness of your own bedroom

still moments

lying in fresh linen sheets

the soothing scents of lavender and the pages from an old book

only subtle noises and piano sounds

a headphone in each ear

staring at a roughly patterned ceiling

studying the lines

an empty mind

free of noise

admiring the colors painted all around you

in your own little world

your room

completely aware of your body

every last inch

feeling the peace of shutting your eyelids

lying there

eyes closed

yet still awake

sleepy

the tired creeps up your spine

tempting you

daring you to dance with your dreams

and you reach the point

where you don’t dare defy your body’s hunger for sleep..

 

you wake with a different taste

the sensation of your breath has not caught your attention

the list for the day begins

and you retreat into your shell

can you return to the night

the day asks for too much

you think now

before it was light, bright, and loving

now it lay heavy

your heart is begging the world to take another break

and return your being to your dreams

today your only sanctuary is the darkness

the day asks for too much

so your mind decides to run

 

-Restlessly Defying Sleep, All Five Senses Feel Complete, Feelings Don’t Last, Somedays You’ll Feel Defeat

i can not feel bad for desiring to be alone.

just me and my mind.

i can not continue to resist the obligation i feel to immerse myself in the external world.

the force i put on myself to be amongst others and to be normal

wears me down,

so that the pull inside of me that begs for me to nurture the self

gets tired and i let go of who i am all together.

i lose my hold on myself,

and become small in the large chaos of the material world.

i can no longer bare to hurt myself like this,

so i will immerse myself in both worlds.

when there is agitation in either,

i will sit at the seat of my soul,

and know all that is outside of me is within me.

i can chose who i am in the present,

and nothing can ever change that,

because all there ever really is is change.

 

Purpose

i surrender to the day.

i wake up to white walls,

and decide how i will color my mood.

i am fatigued.

i know i don’t have to be.

i can get up, energize myself,

but everyday i consider doing nothing.

i could just lay for hours never truly waking,

but there is a hunger inside of me,

a knowing,

that once I make it passed tired thoughts I am bound to experience something.

something,

that will assure me that it is worth the push to be awake.

the experiences start with something as simple as the sun illuminating my room.

although the shades are down, reflections dance around.

i can not see the sky beyond the windows,

but i feel the movement of the clouds.

the warm sunlight fades to a cool payne’s grey,

then quickly shifts back to the warm hues ablaze,

golden yellow.

i feel like i am floating.

i am reminded of change.

i am reminded of freedom.

it is worth it to be awake.

i am then reminded of love, as i look into the deep wide eyes of my dogs.

i am flashed a dopey smile and greeted with kisses,

i see my soul reflected back to me.

i am connected to everything.

it is worth it to be awake.

next,

it is the joy and laughter that fill the kitchen as my brother hops around goofily dancing,

entertained by,

and completely in love with himself.

he laughs.

i laugh with him.

i feel my heart dance to the sound of our chuckles.

i am glad i am awake for this.

lastly,

it is the peace i feel as i finally step out into the warm sunlight and just breathe.

as long as i am breathing,

i am awake.

as long as i am awake and there is life inside this body, and I can absorb the sensations around me, then there is worth.

then,

there is purpose.

and,

with purpose,

i can not close my eyes.

 

– g.c.

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starman,

where did you go?

i am here

right now

far from the truth

hope you’ll inspire me

be the proof of everlasting youth

teach me the language of music

i promise i won’t lose it

my mind won’t blow

it’s impermeable to their products of destruction

their nuclear war brought upon us by corruption

in this world it might be best for me to cover my eyes

become illusively deaf and blind

hearing and vision are the things that hide you and i

i feel each energy and vibration enveloped in one star nation

it can be big and loud

or lie calm and proud

every creature

every feature

it is i

and i it

the center of each universe

infinitely cosmically diverse

dissected in to many views

like David Bowie’s eyes

they’re the ultimate muse

look into them to dilute the confusion

they’re two universes in fusion

the power of the stars

it’s yours

it’s ours

lose or choose

both expressed in classic rock and soulful blues

David Bowie inspired – g.c.

*Answers Own Question*

Why Do I Exist? (questions we ask ourselves at 2 in the morning)…

You exist, because there is no universe without you; there is no other you that can share the same view or even the same universe, not with their eyes.

You are a mind that gives matter; there is matter to your mind. You give and are being. The universe’s being is held up in your disguise. You are being, because you can’t not be. You can change, but something will always exist. There is no point in running away from life.

Your being is meant here. It is not by coincidence, the places you appear. Purpose. Feel it. Cherish your purpose. Let it grow. Be and follow your purpose as you are right now. Nurture purpose and your existence. Purpose is your nature. Your nature is in strength, muster this strength, this purpose.

minds held captive to fear,

locks latched onto creativity,

held from a higher intelligence,

 

capitive to the illusion that they are free,

unable to fight for what they have never known,

 

what lays beyond walls built up,

they do not know,

ironically lost in their own prison,

they do not realize,

the skills required to build a wall are far more advanced than the tearing one down,

maybe illusion would stop fading reality,

if they were rid of the walls,

maybe they would not be lost,

if the walls were not blocking their vision,

if they could finally see the light,

blocked by the darkness of their lonely cells,

maybe they would finally be found,

and know freedom is found

 

see – g.c.