Excuse my vulgarness in this next poem, but I can’t think of a more subtle analogy to get what I am feeling across.
These past few months a lot of well.. shit, complete and total shit, has happened.. and I haven’t dealt with this shit like how I once did..
I had already built the strength within me to withstand the negative circumstances that would inevitably pop up in my life. My mind had grown to be so beautiful, my perspective, just the way I processed the world around me. I could gain a natural high from the simplest of things, even looking at my own two hands I was in aw. I knew I had to deal with things, to reflect on what I felt, to learn from experience, and to not care or hold judgments. Then, before I knew it, there was too much chaos at once, and I collapsed. I let my hostile environment get the best of me. I was distracted by all the drama outside of me; I lost my sense of self and all of a sudden here I am picking myself back up, after three months, that felt like two weeks in one aspect and a whole year in another. Most memories, feelings, and faces they are hazy and swirled together, a mess I don’t even want to touch. Some are crystal clear, the nights that tore me apart, that made me want to end it all; they left me desolate. Those memories have been the greatest lessons, and surprisingly my source for gratitude. I am grateful, because every time I face a challenge that ends with me having to heal myself, I mature. I become stronger and wiser, but first comes the pain..
My mind had been ripped apart by the ones I loved most, so I closed, decided to love less, not as deep. This only tore me from myself, who I truly am. My grasp, my connection was pulled even farther. There was a point, when I couldn’t even remember how in the heck I ever loved myself. I was desperate to know what self love was again, because I just felt like a hollow being wasting space. My whole existence was painful. It no longer felt like a blessing. It once did. I may have been in this low place, but something in me knew I couldn’t stay. I had made it out before. There was still a way. So, I said, one day at a time, then maybe I will know love again. I mean, if I was going to choose to stay on this earth, mine as well grow and find that source of bliss.. mine as well find myself, again. I did resent the fact that this felt like square one. I had already sewn together the pieces of me I lost in my years of anger and depression. At least, this time, I had some direction, and an idea as to how to heal. Now, slowly but surely, it is all coming together. Reflecting and remembering I now see where I was lost. I now feel my soul again. These trials and tribulations were necessary. They were not the end all be all. I am even stronger than the girl I had compared myself to in the beginning of this post. I have remembered I always have the option to change, start over, and to love, again, even if it feels unfamiliar at first. It is all residing within me, I just have to muster the strength to be patient, as the light finds its way out of the dark prison I confined it within.
now, for my ostentatious and explicit thoughts..
my mind has been fucked
satan took his dick and screwed out all the beautiful angels that had been living in my pretty little innocent mind
i have to lock the pretty thoughts away,
because dare i encounter another man with rage
he will just take them and piss on them,
and act like i am too naive to have anything worthy saying
i feel like a caged bird
i know that sounds cliche
but this is thin ice,
and it’s already started to break
the fragments of me will stay afloat,
but the whole raw parts of my being are sinking,
because they feel so heavy to carry in the kind of world we live in
but it’s like,..
i just know there is solid ground somewhere
the question is can i keep myself above the water before i get there
the knowing will never go away
if i just gave into the impulses,
and became consumed by the standards,
or rather crushed by them,
i would always know that i am not being authentic
that i am a fake,
because i just don’t fit into this world
how can they ask me to be real,
but to also follow along and do the same..?
– screwed by the voices outside then inside me