i wanna be curled up under a blanket of stars with someone who i know doesn’t care about the trivial

who doesn’t take life too seriously

and can just appreciate the time we have on this beautiful planet

to feel free of this body

my soul invigorated

close to another

alike minds

restless yet at peace with the totality of this complex reality..

instead i am trapped inside

inside my body

inside a house

by myself

burdened by anxiety

the fear of letting go of reality

feeling crazy

for fearing my dreams and what they mean about me

what has changed

from the time i was once so carefree to now

now

when my mind is the one playing tricks to scare me from resting, loving, living, and being free

 

 

 

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have i ever known balance?

it seems i am catapulted from two extremes.

i can’t even grasp the feelings i once had.

no substance compares to the natural high of when you love yourself.

the substances only fill the holes of the pieces of you,

which you don’t find complete on the days,

when looking back in the mirror,

the soul you once saw possessing a home within your crystal eyes has been defeated by the egoic mind.

your eyes are dull and no eyeshadow could make them brighter,

at least not in the same way an authentic smile

draws the light towards itself.

you radiate from the inside out.

an essence as pure as you,

then defeated,

caves in on itself

to the extreme where your only way to cope is denial.

these feelings are not real.

avoidance may seem rather juvenile,

but it is the only way to stop from vomiting

from this pendulum swing.

this is my life and sometimes it is dizzying.

there has just always been something within me

that pushes me to rise,

even though i know i must come down again.

there is no victory nor win

i will settle on the feeling that acceptance brings.

 

extremely enlightened, happily depressed, completely shattered, and sometimes high from the loneliness – g.c.