i see people who have never lived their truth

envy the youth

draw a line to divide those who have lived longer

but still wander

they are not fine

or wise

they have just grown tired                                                  of being naive

                              so to satisfy displease

they pretend that they know

this is wrong                                             that is right

do not fight

what they say

not only lies but consequences too have been made

punished for finding your truth

while you are still considered to be in your youth

you know yourself all too well                                                                too soon

its good to be lost

                    have to follow a boss

veer away from the line

don’t dare cross

thats what they say

but the fire in your belly put you here today

to stand up

not obey

and proudly say

that i am who i am

and i don’t give a damn

fuck the perfect plan

i’ll draw my path

won’t fear your wrath

i have my own

i’ll never be without a home

i’ll follow my soul

and will never be told

to sit down

or that faith can’t be found

it is all within

my story will begin

and i’ll have real tales

of wisdom

     for children who listen

                           to not just me

but stay curious                                                                      and search for more than they see

 

 

old souls in a new world – g.c.

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too often i find myself in places where i am not truly wanted

i remain silent

heart sinking

keeping truth bottled up

but space to hide is limited

ideas far too wide to keep inside

so i seek solitude

locking myself away

i am ironically free

 

there was once a time where i did not know

so i would listen

i too sat and nodded

now i get up and leave

something changed

 

ignorance and small talk are no longer for me

 

conditioned conversation – g.c.

Be The Mean Girl

As a little girl, I thought it was important to be the mean girl, that everyone loved yet hated. Do not let anyone fuck with you; have others follow you. The thing is, I was the shy girl and I fell in line with all the other followers. Lucky for me, I befriended the mean girl. I  made a good side kick. I was a good listener. I’d do anything just to keep a good reputation.

I did not learn this from my family, nobody at home taught me this. I learned this from my own experiences at school, dance, cheerleading, any competitive setting. I can pinpoint the moment in my life I adopted this belief that it was better to be mean. I had walked into a new dance class and this girl gave me a sour look, not just me though. She kept that look the entire class. Maybe, her goal was to make the impression that nobody was to mess with her, only look up to her. She gave the kind of look that made those around her look small. There was something about her stern face that gave others the sense she was confident. The first class, and already I could sense this feeling of hierarchy in the class. There was not only a competitiveness within the actually dancing, but within popularity and likeableness. So, I decided to learn this mean face, that would establish boundaries. No one would step on my toes. I brought this sour look with me to school, where I found I could hang around with the mean girls. I learned in school that life was a competition and do not let anybody fuck with you. The thing about establishing boundaries is you create a comfort zone within those boundaries. You don’t associate with people who do things differently, talk about different things, look different. You lack experience. Looking at anyone who was different ad beneath me was just a hindrance to my own personal growth. I feel because of this belief, I did not know what is good in life, what is really good. My mind was closed off and so was I, to anything new. I do not hold regret, although I know I may have missed many learning oppurtunities. I am not upset with the ignorance I had as a child in elementary school.

I was friends with my friends for status. I forgot what it was to have bonds, or actual relationships with people. All I cared about was friends. I shut out family. I had been completely brainwashed into believing that my only job was to somehow be better than the next girl. I wanted to be the greatest in some way, but I wasn’t trying to be the greatest version of myself; I was trying to be something I could never be, which is perfect. I had completely lost my sense of self. I had no individuality. I realized this as I got older, and at first, I thought I was no one, I lacked purpose, and had nothing to give. I did have something to give and that was love. I lost the competitive edge. I could do anything, be anything. It did not matter how good I was at it compared to the next person. All I had to do, was give time to myself and learn to be alone.

From learning to be alone, I came to know happiness and peace without praise from another. My advice; don’t do what every other girl is doing. You and how you impact others is what’s important. Do not be the best for others; be your best. If you don’t know what your best is, find out, define your best, and let that definition grow.