always assume the worst in people,

and their worst will come out.

something i’ve learned: others can help

 

– g.c

 

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my heart dances

from the slightest resemblance of passion

the smallest acts of kindness

and littlest notion of love

 

i have a new rhythm

and i feel invincible

 

– g.c.

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too often i find myself in places where i am not truly wanted

i remain silent

heart sinking

keeping truth bottled up

but space to hide is limited

ideas far too wide to keep inside

so i seek solitude

locking myself away

i am ironically free

 

there was once a time where i did not know

so i would listen

i too sat and nodded

now i get up and leave

something changed

 

ignorance and small talk are no longer for me

 

conditioned conversation – g.c.

my judgment has shapeshifted into wonder and awe

hateful ignorant emotions

replaced with love, compassion, and empathy

i forgave the scrutinized

and the scrutiny

once due apologies had been graced

judgment vanished

 

forgiveness gave me peace

peace gave me love

 

forgiveness, a remedy – g.c.

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i will not hold onto your love

and i will not hold a grudge

you hurt me

but pain is a great teacher

my pain has been a guide to liberation

i am free from your love

and have found my own

free of thirst

i swallow the love that is given

and ask for no more

i will no longer beg

your love is no longer a tease

it is not the breath that gives me life

i am stronger

not because of the times you loved me

but all those times you denied my thirst

thank god i did not take from you

you appeared to me as a well

but now that i have had a look inside

i see that you are empty

empty and dry

you lied when you said you were full and satisfied

my intuition steered me away from my thirst for a lie

even though it was of you to lie and deny

i will not deny your thirst

when i opened my mind

i found a river flowing with the best water you’ll find

it is endless

just like i am

infinite love and sustenance

to give to all

even those who are bone dry

whole – g.c.

guilt.

it lingers.

i forgive myself each time,

but i am lying.

memories of your irritation, rage, and desolate depression are hazy,

but i can reawaken the feeling of fear,

as if i am back in that moment,

a scared little girl,

her artificial attitude her only defense.

 

a high strung and cynical child.

vulnerable,

i still desired your love,

uncertain if it was still there,

unaware of how to obtain it.

hope, change, optimism sounded all too strange,

unwelcome in our hostile environment.

 

ignorance reigned over our emotions.

now,

better things have come with knowledge,

at least for me.

still,

i wonder,

do you forgive me for adding to your circumstance?

i am better,

but are you?

can you forgive me?

i was so cruel.

even still,

you get angry.

pity, guilt, and sorrow will never be enough.

i was cruel,

but i do not deserve to cling to these emotions,

as if they are making up for something.

they are only meant to stay for a short visit,

only meant to teach me a lesson,

to teach me,

my love,

all love,

is prolific.

i only hope that you too see that.

i only hope that a man can learn to be vulnerable,

even if just for a second.

i hope you do not hear the echo of the times i said, “i hate you.”

everytime i say, ”i love you”

i hope that you’ll forgive me,

but i can no longer bare to continue to feel guilty.  

 

– g.c.

my mom left

for a while.

she needed to know who she was.

even i was uncertain of who she was.

this woman i watched all my life,

amazed,

she could do no wrong,

but as i grew older,

i began to see every flaw.

still,

even those at times,

seem to be perfect.

i love her,

but sometimes i worry that she does not know.

 

we needed some distance.

and although i will always want my mother,

and though she did help me grow,

i do not need my mother.

i did not know before she left what i could do on my own.

i did not know that seeking happiness for others is more fulfilling than seeking it all for yourself.

she put me first,

and i put myself first,

not in a self loving way,

but an egocentric unfulfilling way.

 

after my mother left,

i learned about my family,

started to really see them.

i was no longer the shy girl that hid behind my mother’s leg.

i could finally see what her protective defense was hiding me from.

i fell in love with disaster,

because i knew there was something better to come.

something better would come,

and it would come from me.

i finally saw the gifts i bare.

i was taught the lesson that pain was always trying to give.

she was away but never too far.

i still could have run to her.

let her comfort and protect me from disaster,

but now i know how to deal with pain.

my mom can not make everything go away.

i love her for her comfort,

but sometimes outside of comfort there is havoc,

and just beyond havoc,

i found the greatest place,

that is freedom and peace.

comfort gave me no clarity,

although i am sure that’s what she had always hoped for.

she always tried and did help heal me,

but,

truthfully,

only i can fix myself.

i am glad i learned this.

 

i am grateful for all the times my mother would stay and just lie with me,

for all the times i knew safety,

but i am also grateful that she left,

so i could fall without being caught in her net.

i have finally realized that there is no end,

that i will always fall

 

but,

i think,

on my own,

i’ll have more room to learn to fly.

thank you, mom.

– g. c.

Be The Mean Girl

As a little girl, I thought it was important to be the mean girl, that everyone loved yet hated. Do not let anyone fuck with you; have others follow you. The thing is, I was the shy girl and I fell in line with all the other followers. Lucky for me, I befriended the mean girl. I  made a good side kick. I was a good listener. I’d do anything just to keep a good reputation.

I did not learn this from my family, nobody at home taught me this. I learned this from my own experiences at school, dance, cheerleading, any competitive setting. I can pinpoint the moment in my life I adopted this belief that it was better to be mean. I had walked into a new dance class and this girl gave me a sour look, not just me though. She kept that look the entire class. Maybe, her goal was to make the impression that nobody was to mess with her, only look up to her. She gave the kind of look that made those around her look small. There was something about her stern face that gave others the sense she was confident. The first class, and already I could sense this feeling of hierarchy in the class. There was not only a competitiveness within the actually dancing, but within popularity and likeableness. So, I decided to learn this mean face, that would establish boundaries. No one would step on my toes. I brought this sour look with me to school, where I found I could hang around with the mean girls. I learned in school that life was a competition and do not let anybody fuck with you. The thing about establishing boundaries is you create a comfort zone within those boundaries. You don’t associate with people who do things differently, talk about different things, look different. You lack experience. Looking at anyone who was different ad beneath me was just a hindrance to my own personal growth. I feel because of this belief, I did not know what is good in life, what is really good. My mind was closed off and so was I, to anything new. I do not hold regret, although I know I may have missed many learning oppurtunities. I am not upset with the ignorance I had as a child in elementary school.

I was friends with my friends for status. I forgot what it was to have bonds, or actual relationships with people. All I cared about was friends. I shut out family. I had been completely brainwashed into believing that my only job was to somehow be better than the next girl. I wanted to be the greatest in some way, but I wasn’t trying to be the greatest version of myself; I was trying to be something I could never be, which is perfect. I had completely lost my sense of self. I had no individuality. I realized this as I got older, and at first, I thought I was no one, I lacked purpose, and had nothing to give. I did have something to give and that was love. I lost the competitive edge. I could do anything, be anything. It did not matter how good I was at it compared to the next person. All I had to do, was give time to myself and learn to be alone.

From learning to be alone, I came to know happiness and peace without praise from another. My advice; don’t do what every other girl is doing. You and how you impact others is what’s important. Do not be the best for others; be your best. If you don’t know what your best is, find out, define your best, and let that definition grow.

Deep Rest

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The worst period of my life began right around the time I was getting ready to go into high school, so when I was in 8th grade. And, it continued up until the end of my sophomore year.

When you get into 8th grade, this is the time you start to worry about your future. This is the part of life where shit gets real. Let’s say I did not handle that too well. I began to overthink and form negative thinking patterns (I got anxiety, and I got it bad). My mom always called me a worry wart, but I think the amount of anxiety I was getting in 8th grade even made her worry. I began to think that I had reached my peak and that it was all downhill from there. Well, my life did start to go downhill, hence the picture of the rollercoaster. Yeah, I was at that point in my life at the age of fourteen. Good news is, and I didn’t realize this at the time, that after you reach the bottom you go back up to the top, and then you might come down again, but that is just the way life goes, for a while. Eventually though, you will be able to get off the rollercoaster and become grounded. The ride ends, once you realize you are in control. Well, you will still have those highs and lows. They give life balance. Maybe not everything in your life will be in your control, but at least you’ll have control of your mind and be rid of the constant cycle of self sabotaging thoughts and depression.

There is nothing wrong with the choices my parents made, but looking at their lives scared the shit out of me. There was no way I would ever be satisfied continuing on the stressful path of going to school, getting a degree, choosing a career, sticking with it, finding a husband, and raising children to live the same kind of life. I wasn’t certain of what I wanted and felt I lacked purpose. I did not just want to fit in. A part of me knew life had more meaning. Life could be more than this. It should be more. This cycle of living simply and secure had to end. Good thing I had an older brother who deviated from literally everything that was considered normal.When I was only fourteen, his refusal to conform was truly shocking to me. I looked down on him for it, honestly. But, he was two years older. I didn’t understand, yet.

I was trying to figure out who I was, which is hard, when everything you do is to fit in and gain popularity. I had no idea of what I wanted to become. I feared what would happen if I didn’t get into a good college.I feared mediocrity. I hated the idea of going to college to be more stressed and getting a 9 to 5 job to be even more stressed.

At this time, I also had family issues that I avoided. One of the most important bonds I have now is with my brother, but at this time he was my enemy. There was a lot of chaos and basically, I  couldn’t handle it.  So I drowned it all out and “went to sleep” or “shut off”, whatever you want to call it. I was depressed. “Sick” was the term I liked to use. I never felt good enough to go to school. Either my head or my stomach was always bothering me. My family liked to say that I was sick as well, but I don’t think any of them truly believed it.  But, it’s better than admitting someone is lost and empty, and you don’t know how to fix them. The only person that could fix me was me, and I did, kind of. There will always be room for improvement, but I love the idea that I am constantly growing, changing, learning. There is always some way I can live my life better today, than the way I lived it yesterday.

I still have my days. I occasionally fall into negative thinking patterns, but instead of resisting this aspect of myself, I accept it. I am human. I feel. One thing I learned coming out from that period of my life was that it is important to let yourself feel. Feelings are there for a reason. They tell you about who you are, what you need, and what you desire. They give life purpose. Our emotions are an important source of inspiration. They connect us to our creativity and connect us to one another. We should be encouraged to express our emotions freely, not suppress them to the point where we don’t feel, we don’t desire, and there is no emotion to ignite a passion for life.