A Brief Summary of My Journey with Spirituality, Art, & Reconnecting with My Soul

I used to wonder who I was going to be. I did not want to choose, but then I learned to fall in love with uncertainty. Before, I learned to tune out reality. Although it was protecting me from ugly truths, I was missing out on life’s lessons and losing touch with all the beautiful things that surrounded me. Now, that I am healing, certain smells that have always been there have become clearer and remind me of childhood. I can’t believe how disconnected from the world one can become. We hold our own little worlds and trick ourselves into believing this is safety, but this is the most self harming and dangerous thing of all. You are missing out on life.

Before I was held by the fear that if I tried new things I wouldn’t enjoy them, or I wouldn’t be very good at them. As children, we are not held by this fear. I would write story books, draw, paint, act, dance, sing and nobody told me I couldn’t. But when we grow up, we start to take things too seriously and adapt the belief that we have to be good at things for them to be fun. Who is even to say what qualifies as “good”? If it makes you happy, makes you feel passion,  excitement, or a deep inner peace, then that is all the qualification you need.  I began finding myself again once I began to shed some of this fear. Instead, I was excited to learn and try new things. Anything and everything around me could be of interest. After I finally stepped out of my little box, I finally saw the world had so much to offer. I wasn’t lacking, but was only looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. I thought to be whole and to live fully I needed gratification from others and material wealth. This was only an illusion. Living in this illusion was not fulfilling at all. It was draining. Finally, when I started to see the world for what it is, which is wondrous, crazy, fantastic, and exciting, I felt more. Allowing myself to feel the emotions I had pushed aside for so long was one of the best things I could have done for myself. I decided to reflect and release, not let them eat away at me. This is how I began writing again. Writing began to fill my soul, allowed me to connect with my inner child, and restore my curiosity. I became more willing to try things. I didn’t limit myself, so I would just begin doing things, such as yoga and painting. All these things that seem to make me feel whole just started to flow through. One day in my yard I just began to do yoga. Another day, I began to draw a scene I had seen driving home from seeing a loved one in the mental hospital. Another, I had begun painting skies and galaxies with watercolors. Everything fell into place, when I decided I wanted to get to know myself and no longer feared to know what I was capable of.

Below are some tools/practices that have helped me.

Helpful Affirmations to Maximize Productivity and Creativity:

I can utilize creative outlets without the temptation to compare and embody fear and doubt.

I am enough. All that I desire to put out into the world is already within me.

Books I Recommend:

The Untethered Soul By Michael Singer- “Energy doesn’t get old, it doesn’t get tired, and it doesn’t need food. What it needs is openness and receptivity.” “Nothing, ever, is worth closing your heart over”

Life Ahead By Krishnamurti

The Power of Now By Eckhart Tolle – “Love, joy, and peace are deep states of Being, or rather three aspects of the state of inner connectedness with Being. As such, they have no opposite. This is because they rise from beyond the mind. Emotions, on the other hand, being part of the dualistic mind, are subject to the law of opposites. This simply means that you cannot have good without bad.”

The Four Agreements By Miguel Ruiz

No Word for Time By Evan T. Pritchard

Essays and English Traits by Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

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the sky so blue,

even cobwebs too,

these things so mysteriously perfect,

remind me that earth is worth it

 

we do not need to question it,

and see what we can get from it,

we just need to love and sit in awe

of the beauty we are apart of,

 

we too have the ability to create art ,

just as our earth continues to,

when new flowers bloom,

and green grass catches dew

 

– g.c.

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the persona in my dreams,

a hidden part of me:

“you are not just a nook in time,

miracle being.”

a chasm in the infinite

swallowing a reality

embodiment of it’s totality

reflected valiantly

in works created

sure of divinity

empowered being

living abundantly

commemoration of soul

discovery and realization

truths told

a dream chaser

each day she will grow

goddess – g.c.

Purpose

i surrender to the day.

i wake up to white walls,

and decide how i will color my mood.

i am fatigued.

i know i don’t have to be.

i can get up, energize myself,

but everyday i consider doing nothing.

i could just lay for hours never truly waking,

but there is a hunger inside of me,

a knowing,

that once I make it passed tired thoughts I am bound to experience something.

something,

that will assure me that it is worth the push to be awake.

the experiences start with something as simple as the sun illuminating my room.

although the shades are down, reflections dance around.

i can not see the sky beyond the windows,

but i feel the movement of the clouds.

the warm sunlight fades to a cool payne’s grey,

then quickly shifts back to the warm hues ablaze,

golden yellow.

i feel like i am floating.

i am reminded of change.

i am reminded of freedom.

it is worth it to be awake.

i am then reminded of love, as i look into the deep wide eyes of my dogs.

i am flashed a dopey smile and greeted with kisses,

i see my soul reflected back to me.

i am connected to everything.

it is worth it to be awake.

next,

it is the joy and laughter that fill the kitchen as my brother hops around goofily dancing,

entertained by,

and completely in love with himself.

he laughs.

i laugh with him.

i feel my heart dance to the sound of our chuckles.

i am glad i am awake for this.

lastly,

it is the peace i feel as i finally step out into the warm sunlight and just breathe.

as long as i am breathing,

i am awake.

as long as i am awake and there is life inside this body, and I can absorb the sensations around me, then there is worth.

then,

there is purpose.

and,

with purpose,

i can not close my eyes.

 

– g.c.

too often i find myself in places where i am not truly wanted

i remain silent

heart sinking

keeping truth bottled up

but space to hide is limited

ideas far too wide to keep inside

so i seek solitude

locking myself away

i am ironically free

 

there was once a time where i did not know

so i would listen

i too sat and nodded

now i get up and leave

something changed

 

ignorance and small talk are no longer for me

 

conditioned conversation – g.c.