what do i need to do to make my heart happy? …


my heart is not happy when it feels “still”
although it is never still
there is no awareness of it
no recognition of its existence
nothing moving it

to make me feel

just the continuous flow of blood
but nothing to stimulate and make this all worth it
yet it beats..
i love and appreciation the feelings that come from my persistent beating heart

persistent

regardless if i acknowledge it..

 

Gratitude is the answer.

 

ask yourself – g.c.

 

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Healing..Again

Excuse my vulgarness in this next poem, but I can’t think of a more subtle analogy to get what I am feeling across.

These past few months a lot of well.. shit, complete and total shit, has happened.. and I haven’t dealt with this shit like how I once did..

I had already built the strength within me to withstand the negative circumstances that would inevitably pop up in my life. My mind had grown to be so beautiful, my perspective, just the way I processed the world around me. I could gain a natural high from the simplest of things, even looking at my own two hands I was in aw. I knew I had to deal with things, to reflect on what I felt, to learn from experience, and to not care or hold judgments. Then, before I knew it, there was too much chaos at once, and I collapsed. I let my hostile environment get the best of me. I was distracted by all the drama outside of me; I lost my sense of self and all of a sudden here I am picking myself back up, after three months, that felt like two weeks in one aspect and a whole year in another. Most memories, feelings, and faces they are hazy and swirled together, a mess I don’t even want to touch. Some are crystal clear, the nights that tore me apart, that made me want to end it all; they left me desolate. Those memories have been the greatest lessons, and surprisingly my source for gratitude.  I am grateful, because every time I face a challenge that ends with me having to heal myself, I mature. I become stronger and wiser, but first comes the pain..

My mind had been ripped apart by the ones I loved most, so I closed, decided to love less, not as deep. This only tore me from myself, who I truly am. My grasp, my connection was pulled even farther. There was a point, when I couldn’t even remember how in the heck I ever loved myself. I was desperate to know what self love was again, because I just felt like a hollow being wasting space. My whole existence was painful. It no longer felt like a blessing. It once did. I may have been in this low place, but something in me knew I couldn’t stay. I had made it out before. There was still a way. So, I said, one day at a time, then maybe I will know love again. I mean, if I was going to choose to stay on this earth, mine as well grow and find that source of bliss.. mine as well find myself, again. I did resent the fact that this felt like square one. I had already sewn together the pieces of me I lost in my years of anger and depression. At least, this time, I had some direction, and an idea as to how to heal. Now, slowly but surely, it is all coming together. Reflecting and remembering I now see where I was lost. I now feel my soul again. These trials and tribulations were necessary. They were not the end all be all. I am even stronger than the girl I had compared myself to in the beginning of this post. I have remembered I always have the option to change,  start over, and to love, again, even if it feels unfamiliar at first. It is all residing within me, I just have to muster the strength to be patient, as the light finds its way out of the dark prison I confined it within.

now, for my ostentatious and explicit thoughts..

 

my mind has been fucked

satan took his dick and screwed out all the beautiful angels that had been living in my pretty little innocent mind

now,

i have to lock the pretty thoughts away,

because dare i encounter another man with rage

he will just take them and piss on them,

and act like i am too naive to have anything worthy saying

 

i feel like a caged bird

i know that sounds cliche

but this is thin ice,

and it’s already started to break

the fragments of me will stay afloat,

but the whole raw parts of my being are sinking,

because they feel so heavy to carry in the kind of world we live in

but it’s like,..

i just know there is solid ground somewhere

the question is can i keep myself above the water before i get there

the knowing will never go away

if i just gave into the impulses,

and became consumed by the standards,

or rather crushed by them,

either way,

i would always know that i am not being authentic

that i am a fake,

because i just don’t fit into this world

how can they ask me to be real,

but to also follow along and do the same..?

 

– screwed by the voices outside then inside me

 

i don’t know when i will be able to relinquish this idea

i thought i had almost defeated this association

this insecurity

but hunger still feels like pride

and fullness always feels like shame

 

what an erroneous idea

that emptiness equals wholeness

 

thin – g.c.

 

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the wind sweeps over you
taking your worries with you
whispering to you
that your troubles have no reason to remain
the sun kisses your skin
healing all that is within
the high you feel
just to breathe in something so real
so authentic
nothing can replace it
the joy of being
all that i am seeing
is being
stillness
movement
life
the quiet and simple noises
take away the shouting voices
until responsibility calls me away
the beauty leaves me with nothing to say
just asking me to lie with it all day
be apart of the universe
there is nothing worse
than to get caught up in the cycle of doing
forgetting the beauty of the moment
but here in this place
happiness is not far from your reach
lying here so long the sun has turned me peach
it feels as if i’ll never leave
but when I do
an inner peace will be taken too
and for the last time I watch the trees sway
i cannot stay
so i go inside
something has changed
my soul can no longer hide

outside – g.c.

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i feel an energy flood

my heart opens up

like a pristine lotus in the sunlight

amidst the season of fire

transforming

rising from the depths

higher

then returning to that peaceful place within

blooming

beyond the surface as i rise

i see my true identity

reflecting back to me

clarity

sprung from the earth

which i recognize its hum as the comfort of a mother

roots running deep

beyond this place

my spirit

unrecognizable by face

tethered by soul

floating so free

more vibrant than a water lily

 

divine connection – g.c.

 

 

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the only craving my body use to feel was in my stomach

the only part of me i knew was empty

i did not realize that the entirety of me was empty

now i feel my entire body

my entire being

and my body craves the movement i denied it of for so long

 

bed rest – g.c.