Healing..Again

Excuse my vulgarness in this next poem, but I can’t think of a more subtle analogy to get what I am feeling across.

These past few months a lot of well.. shit, complete and total shit, has happened.. and I haven’t dealt with this shit like how I once did..

I had already built the strength within me to withstand the negative circumstances that would inevitably pop up in my life. My mind had grown to be so beautiful, my perspective, just the way I processed the world around me. I could gain a natural high from the simplest of things, even looking at my own two hands I was in aw. I knew I had to deal with things, to reflect on what I felt, to learn from experience, and to not care or hold judgments. Then, before I knew it, there was too much chaos at once, and I collapsed. I let my hostile environment get the best of me. I was distracted by all the drama outside of me; I lost my sense of self and all of a sudden here I am picking myself back up, after three months, that felt like two weeks in one aspect and a whole year in another. Most memories, feelings, and faces they are hazy and swirled together, a mess I don’t even want to touch. Some are crystal clear, the nights that tore me apart, that made me want to end it all; they left me desolate. Those memories have been the greatest lessons, and surprisingly my source for gratitude.  I am grateful, because every time I face a challenge that ends with me having to heal myself, I mature. I become stronger and wiser, but first comes the pain..

My mind had been ripped apart by the ones I loved most, so I closed, decided to love less, not as deep. This only tore me from myself, who I truly am. My grasp, my connection was pulled even farther. There was a point, when I couldn’t even remember how in the heck I ever loved myself. I was desperate to know what self love was again, because I just felt like a hollow being wasting space. My whole existence was painful. It no longer felt like a blessing. It once did. I may have been in this low place, but something in me knew I couldn’t stay. I had made it out before. There was still a way. So, I said, one day at a time, then maybe I will know love again. I mean, if I was going to choose to stay on this earth, mine as well grow and find that source of bliss.. mine as well find myself, again. I did resent the fact that this felt like square one. I had already sewn together the pieces of me I lost in my years of anger and depression. At least, this time, I had some direction, and an idea as to how to heal. Now, slowly but surely, it is all coming together. Reflecting and remembering I now see where I was lost. I now feel my soul again. These trials and tribulations were necessary. They were not the end all be all. I am even stronger than the girl I had compared myself to in the beginning of this post. I have remembered I always have the option to change,  start over, and to love, again, even if it feels unfamiliar at first. It is all residing within me, I just have to muster the strength to be patient, as the light finds its way out of the dark prison I confined it within.

now, for my ostentatious and explicit thoughts..

 

my mind has been fucked

satan took his dick and screwed out all the beautiful angels that had been living in my pretty little innocent mind

now,

i have to lock the pretty thoughts away,

because dare i encounter another man with rage

he will just take them and piss on them,

and act like i am too naive to have anything worthy saying

 

i feel like a caged bird

i know that sounds cliche

but this is thin ice,

and it’s already started to break

the fragments of me will stay afloat,

but the whole raw parts of my being are sinking,

because they feel so heavy to carry in the kind of world we live in

but it’s like,..

i just know there is solid ground somewhere

the question is can i keep myself above the water before i get there

the knowing will never go away

if i just gave into the impulses,

and became consumed by the standards,

or rather crushed by them,

either way,

i would always know that i am not being authentic

that i am a fake,

because i just don’t fit into this world

how can they ask me to be real,

but to also follow along and do the same..?

 

– screwed by the voices outside then inside me

 

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less problem solving, more soul searching

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cling onto the night

for when day comes you must see and face everything

the secrets kept

problems created

at night it is safe for them to be forgotten

our problems tucked safely in our back pockets

guide us through the day

lost without them

incapable of knowing a bright day

without  problems for shade

a world without worry

isn’t even conceivable

if we did ever know such a thing

then we might remember we don’t know anything

nothing is certain

our problems

our world

are not as big as we thought they were

believing that no matter what we try

the life we fantasize will never be tangible

creating problem after problem

attempting to fix something that doesn’t need to be fixed

trying to understand something that doesn’t need to be understood

seeking solutions

to peacefully come to a resolution

we have been trying to fix, understand, change perfection

a rhythmic flowing universe

where change is the only constant

creating problems to give reason to our existence

unaccepting to what is

craving explanation

readily we go blind

denying the truth

that we aren’t as big as we thought we are

neither are our problems

we are far beyond what the mind can conceive

look at the palm of your hand and feel there is nothing more real than you and i

far beyond a body or a mind

and far beyond the problems we constantly seek

 – g.c.

 

my heart dances

from the slightest resemblance of passion

the smallest acts of kindness

and littlest notion of love

 

i have a new rhythm

and i feel invincible

 

– g.c.

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my judgment has shapeshifted into wonder and awe

hateful ignorant emotions

replaced with love, compassion, and empathy

i forgave the scrutinized

and the scrutiny

once due apologies had been graced

judgment vanished

 

forgiveness gave me peace

peace gave me love

 

forgiveness, a remedy – g.c.

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i will not hold onto your love

and i will not hold a grudge

you hurt me

but pain is a great teacher

my pain has been a guide to liberation

i am free from your love

and have found my own

free of thirst

i swallow the love that is given

and ask for no more

i will no longer beg

your love is no longer a tease

it is not the breath that gives me life

i am stronger

not because of the times you loved me

but all those times you denied my thirst

thank god i did not take from you

you appeared to me as a well

but now that i have had a look inside

i see that you are empty

empty and dry

you lied when you said you were full and satisfied

my intuition steered me away from my thirst for a lie

even though it was of you to lie and deny

i will not deny your thirst

when i opened my mind

i found a river flowing with the best water you’ll find

it is endless

just like i am

infinite love and sustenance

to give to all

even those who are bone dry

whole – g.c.

guilt.

it lingers.

i forgive myself each time,

but i am lying.

memories of your irritation, rage, and desolate depression are hazy,

but i can reawaken the feeling of fear,

as if i am back in that moment,

a scared little girl,

her artificial attitude her only defense.

 

a high strung and cynical child.

vulnerable,

i still desired your love,

uncertain if it was still there,

unaware of how to obtain it.

hope, change, optimism sounded all too strange,

unwelcome in our hostile environment.

 

ignorance reigned over our emotions.

now,

better things have come with knowledge,

at least for me.

still,

i wonder,

do you forgive me for adding to your circumstance?

i am better,

but are you?

can you forgive me?

i was so cruel.

even still,

you get angry.

pity, guilt, and sorrow will never be enough.

i was cruel,

but i do not deserve to cling to these emotions,

as if they are making up for something.

they are only meant to stay for a short visit,

only meant to teach me a lesson,

to teach me,

my love,

all love,

is prolific.

i only hope that you too see that.

i only hope that a man can learn to be vulnerable,

even if just for a second.

i hope you do not hear the echo of the times i said, “i hate you.”

everytime i say, ”i love you”

i hope that you’ll forgive me,

but i can no longer bare to continue to feel guilty.  

 

– g.c.