have i ever known balance?

it seems i am catapulted from two extremes.

i can’t even grasp the feelings i once had.

no substance compares to the natural high of when you love yourself.

the substances only fill the holes of the pieces of you,

which you don’t find complete on the days,

when looking back in the mirror,

the soul you once saw possessing a home within your crystal eyes has been defeated by the egoic mind.

your eyes are dull and no eyeshadow could make them brighter,

at least not in the same way an authentic smile

draws the light towards itself.

you radiate from the inside out.

an essence as pure as you,

then defeated,

caves in on itself

to the extreme where your only way to cope is denial.

these feelings are not real.

avoidance may seem rather juvenile,

but it is the only way to stop from vomiting

from this pendulum swing.

this is my life and sometimes it is dizzying.

there has just always been something within me

that pushes me to rise,

even though i know i must come down again.

there is no victory nor win

i will settle on the feeling that acceptance brings.

 

extremely enlightened, happily depressed, completely shattered, and sometimes high from the loneliness – g.c.

 

Advertisements

IMG_9181

the coziness of your own bedroom

still moments

lying in fresh linen sheets

the soothing scents of lavender and the pages from an old book

only subtle noises and piano sounds

a headphone in each ear

staring at a roughly patterned ceiling

studying the lines

an empty mind

free of noise

admiring the colors painted all around you

in your own little world

your room

completely aware of your body

every last inch

feeling the peace of shutting your eyelids

lying there

eyes closed

yet still awake

sleepy

the tired creeps up your spine

tempting you

daring you to dance with your dreams

and you reach the point

where you don’t dare defy your body’s hunger for sleep..

 

you wake with a different taste

the sensation of your breath has not caught your attention

the list for the day begins

and you retreat into your shell

can you return to the night

the day asks for too much

you think now

before it was light, bright, and loving

now it lay heavy

your heart is begging the world to take another break

and return your being to your dreams

today your only sanctuary is the darkness

the day asks for too much

so your mind decides to run

 

-Restlessly Defying Sleep, All Five Senses Feel Complete, Feelings Don’t Last, Somedays You’ll Feel Defeat

fullsizeoutput_c43.jpeg

places for negative thoughts to be harbored are etched into our minds,

space for the past and all its taunting mistakes to be held

and all our hopes for the future to be kept.

where uncertainty conquers all desire,

and where presence remains absent.

here,

sanity is lost.

when a moment comes that you are full and content,

see that there is no shelter or safety in this place.

though it may feel that way,

it is only the confinements manifested by negative thoughts.

it may feel as if it is where you’re meant to be,

where you may be drawn into your vices,

safe for excuses to be born.

it is not where you are meant to be.

you’ll remember,

once you leave this harbor tethering you to pity and self doubt,

venture out into open waters,

let yourself sink deep within the depths of your soul,

find a new home within the present,

carrying with you the lightness of an open heart and an open mind within a moment.

surrender: liberation – g.c.

Processed with VSCOcam with g3 preset

the wind sweeps over you
taking your worries with you
whispering to you
that your troubles have no reason to remain
the sun kisses your skin
healing all that is within
the high you feel
just to breathe in something so real
so authentic
nothing can replace it
the joy of being
all that i am seeing
is being
stillness
movement
life
the quiet and simple noises
take away the shouting voices
until responsibility calls me away
the beauty leaves me with nothing to say
just asking me to lie with it all day
be apart of the universe
there is nothing worse
than to get caught up in the cycle of doing
forgetting the beauty of the moment
but here in this place
happiness is not far from your reach
lying here so long the sun has turned me peach
it feels as if i’ll never leave
but when I do
an inner peace will be taken too
and for the last time I watch the trees sway
i cannot stay
so i go inside
something has changed
my soul can no longer hide

outside – g.c.

Be The Mean Girl

As a little girl, I thought it was important to be the mean girl, that everyone loved yet hated. Do not let anyone fuck with you; have others follow you. The thing is, I was the shy girl and I fell in line with all the other followers. Lucky for me, I befriended the mean girl. I  made a good side kick. I was a good listener. I’d do anything just to keep a good reputation.

I did not learn this from my family, nobody at home taught me this. I learned this from my own experiences at school, dance, cheerleading, any competitive setting. I can pinpoint the moment in my life I adopted this belief that it was better to be mean. I had walked into a new dance class and this girl gave me a sour look, not just me though. She kept that look the entire class. Maybe, her goal was to make the impression that nobody was to mess with her, only look up to her. She gave the kind of look that made those around her look small. There was something about her stern face that gave others the sense she was confident. The first class, and already I could sense this feeling of hierarchy in the class. There was not only a competitiveness within the actually dancing, but within popularity and likeableness. So, I decided to learn this mean face, that would establish boundaries. No one would step on my toes. I brought this sour look with me to school, where I found I could hang around with the mean girls. I learned in school that life was a competition and do not let anybody fuck with you. The thing about establishing boundaries is you create a comfort zone within those boundaries. You don’t associate with people who do things differently, talk about different things, look different. You lack experience. Looking at anyone who was different ad beneath me was just a hindrance to my own personal growth. I feel because of this belief, I did not know what is good in life, what is really good. My mind was closed off and so was I, to anything new. I do not hold regret, although I know I may have missed many learning oppurtunities. I am not upset with the ignorance I had as a child in elementary school.

I was friends with my friends for status. I forgot what it was to have bonds, or actual relationships with people. All I cared about was friends. I shut out family. I had been completely brainwashed into believing that my only job was to somehow be better than the next girl. I wanted to be the greatest in some way, but I wasn’t trying to be the greatest version of myself; I was trying to be something I could never be, which is perfect. I had completely lost my sense of self. I had no individuality. I realized this as I got older, and at first, I thought I was no one, I lacked purpose, and had nothing to give. I did have something to give and that was love. I lost the competitive edge. I could do anything, be anything. It did not matter how good I was at it compared to the next person. All I had to do, was give time to myself and learn to be alone.

From learning to be alone, I came to know happiness and peace without praise from another. My advice; don’t do what every other girl is doing. You and how you impact others is what’s important. Do not be the best for others; be your best. If you don’t know what your best is, find out, define your best, and let that definition grow.