be aware of who you surround yourself with
just because they’re family does not mean they have your best interest at hand
if you use the word family to set high expectations
you are going to give them all the power to hurt you when you allow their actions to disappoint you
they themselves won’t know how much they have affected you
until you let them go
this is where you have patience
because if you wait
those who are meant to be in your life
won’t feel abandoned by you
rather they’ll follow you down the higher road
and thank you for lighting the way

 

family shouldn’t cost you love for yourself- g.c.

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planetary pollution

a world filled with illusion

awakening means movement

sit still little girl

there is no room for improvement

just this path

hold in those tears

it is of a man to have rage and wrath

noises aren’t real fears

be grateful

it wasn’t you those fists hit

did you want them to?

hush

swallow the lumps

little girl your words are distasteful

stop hurting yourself

memories don’t fade like your cuts, bruises, and bumps

 

and to answer your question

yes

i want it to be me

maybe that way you’d learn to handle your aggression

it’s not that I wish to feel the warmth of welts forming

rather than to not hear your heavy feet storming

towards to door of someone else i love

i’m not begging for your fists to color my porcelain skin

but I’d rather they not smash into the wall again

i want to scream stop

as you bang your chest and the veins in your head throb

you’re hurting yourself

slipping away

farther

killing your daughter

because i do not want you

my beaten up father

i want the man who speaks softly

when he hears the footsteps of his daughter

the only time he is yelling is out of joy

as he plays the big scary monster and chases after his little boy

but then you took the game too far

when your life got repetitive my brother got the blame

the only thing he got from the chase was his very own rage

and with that came shame

so he drowns himself in liquor

because he is still a boy

he can’t survive like you do

swimming in those same old thoughts

day in and day out

for years i was blinded by my own anger

all i saw was a shell that rots

but now i know that you are not empty

the frustration and aching in your bones just make those wild fits tempting

but they don’t want to see you like that

but i know soon you’ll explode if you don’t get some release

you have yet to learn that pounding your fists is not how you breathe

i only hope you find your niche

some form of therapy

but do not give up

please

it is okay if you change

there is nothing to lose but only to gain

my love will not waver

mom is trying to grow

but do not cave for her

you do not need to shrink

if you make yourself any smaller

limit yourself farther

my heart will surely sink

it is all in your head

all in how you think

transform

the scars we will shed

let your soul be fed

nurture yourself

your kids are grown

we are strong enough on our own

we have hurt you too

so return the punch

one last hit

sweep the rug from under our feet

it is okay

i am familiar with the taste of defeat

but i know once i fall

i’ll be ready to fly

because i learned from you

at the end of the day

we all must try

so let us break then consolidate

let us redirect fate

i love you

that will always hold true

breathe

the day is new

 

my family will breathe – g.c.

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i will not hold onto your love

and i will not hold a grudge

you hurt me

but pain is a great teacher

my pain has been a guide to liberation

i am free from your love

and have found my own

free of thirst

i swallow the love that is given

and ask for no more

i will no longer beg

your love is no longer a tease

it is not the breath that gives me life

i am stronger

not because of the times you loved me

but all those times you denied my thirst

thank god i did not take from you

you appeared to me as a well

but now that i have had a look inside

i see that you are empty

empty and dry

you lied when you said you were full and satisfied

my intuition steered me away from my thirst for a lie

even though it was of you to lie and deny

i will not deny your thirst

when i opened my mind

i found a river flowing with the best water you’ll find

it is endless

just like i am

infinite love and sustenance

to give to all

even those who are bone dry

whole – g.c.

guilt.

it lingers.

i forgive myself each time,

but i am lying.

memories of your irritation, rage, and desolate depression are hazy,

but i can reawaken the feeling of fear,

as if i am back in that moment,

a scared little girl,

her artificial attitude her only defense.

 

a high strung and cynical child.

vulnerable,

i still desired your love,

uncertain if it was still there,

unaware of how to obtain it.

hope, change, optimism sounded all too strange,

unwelcome in our hostile environment.

 

ignorance reigned over our emotions.

now,

better things have come with knowledge,

at least for me.

still,

i wonder,

do you forgive me for adding to your circumstance?

i am better,

but are you?

can you forgive me?

i was so cruel.

even still,

you get angry.

pity, guilt, and sorrow will never be enough.

i was cruel,

but i do not deserve to cling to these emotions,

as if they are making up for something.

they are only meant to stay for a short visit,

only meant to teach me a lesson,

to teach me,

my love,

all love,

is prolific.

i only hope that you too see that.

i only hope that a man can learn to be vulnerable,

even if just for a second.

i hope you do not hear the echo of the times i said, “i hate you.”

everytime i say, ”i love you”

i hope that you’ll forgive me,

but i can no longer bare to continue to feel guilty.  

 

– g.c.

Be The Mean Girl

As a little girl, I thought it was important to be the mean girl, that everyone loved yet hated. Do not let anyone fuck with you; have others follow you. The thing is, I was the shy girl and I fell in line with all the other followers. Lucky for me, I befriended the mean girl. I  made a good side kick. I was a good listener. I’d do anything just to keep a good reputation.

I did not learn this from my family, nobody at home taught me this. I learned this from my own experiences at school, dance, cheerleading, any competitive setting. I can pinpoint the moment in my life I adopted this belief that it was better to be mean. I had walked into a new dance class and this girl gave me a sour look, not just me though. She kept that look the entire class. Maybe, her goal was to make the impression that nobody was to mess with her, only look up to her. She gave the kind of look that made those around her look small. There was something about her stern face that gave others the sense she was confident. The first class, and already I could sense this feeling of hierarchy in the class. There was not only a competitiveness within the actually dancing, but within popularity and likeableness. So, I decided to learn this mean face, that would establish boundaries. No one would step on my toes. I brought this sour look with me to school, where I found I could hang around with the mean girls. I learned in school that life was a competition and do not let anybody fuck with you. The thing about establishing boundaries is you create a comfort zone within those boundaries. You don’t associate with people who do things differently, talk about different things, look different. You lack experience. Looking at anyone who was different ad beneath me was just a hindrance to my own personal growth. I feel because of this belief, I did not know what is good in life, what is really good. My mind was closed off and so was I, to anything new. I do not hold regret, although I know I may have missed many learning oppurtunities. I am not upset with the ignorance I had as a child in elementary school.

I was friends with my friends for status. I forgot what it was to have bonds, or actual relationships with people. All I cared about was friends. I shut out family. I had been completely brainwashed into believing that my only job was to somehow be better than the next girl. I wanted to be the greatest in some way, but I wasn’t trying to be the greatest version of myself; I was trying to be something I could never be, which is perfect. I had completely lost my sense of self. I had no individuality. I realized this as I got older, and at first, I thought I was no one, I lacked purpose, and had nothing to give. I did have something to give and that was love. I lost the competitive edge. I could do anything, be anything. It did not matter how good I was at it compared to the next person. All I had to do, was give time to myself and learn to be alone.

From learning to be alone, I came to know happiness and peace without praise from another. My advice; don’t do what every other girl is doing. You and how you impact others is what’s important. Do not be the best for others; be your best. If you don’t know what your best is, find out, define your best, and let that definition grow.

 

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you were seen as an enemy,

hate almost ended me.

realized that my “enemy” was the very one defending me,

understanding became our remedy

there was no need for an apology,

i gave forgiveness,

finally i was thinking logically

my head was clouded by monsters who fed on insecurity,

unease and displease created by monotony,

my soul hidden whilst in a dream,

hope was far so it would seem,

running on slippery habits like a hydraulic machine,

words conditioned to be mean,

truth of words unseen,

giving love had to wait,

when hate wanted to take,

when i saw hate could never be satisfied,

it became clear that love and truth would soon be at stake

it took one long fall from my view of grace,

for me to be driven to get back in the race,

love, light, truth finally given,

our conversations told me to start living

a brother, a teacher, a best friend,

you saved me,

true,

but it was not all you,

it was my fight,

but you shed the light

we were empty,

now we’re close to full,

rid of habits that made life seem dull,

now we know love again

thank you,

for you inspire me,

and I admire you,

more than i like to show,

i love you big brother more than you could ever know

 

a brother, a teacher, a best friend – g.c.

Fathers

He pours a store bought frozen meal out of its tray, onto a clean plate. The plate isn’t necessary. It is there to remind him of a home cooked meal, to remind him of a time when someone thought of him enough to make him one, and he did not bare all the burdens. There was a time, when life was a little more than a microwaved meal. It was more than a moment’s rest on a worn couch, awaiting responsibility to call his name. There was a time, when he got kisses and laughter in return for his labor, when he got to delve into his imagination and pretend to be the wondrous tickle monster. The giggles his love stole are now stored away as distant memories. All that is remaining is the memory of a happier life, these memories, buried under the consumption of practicality, responsibility, and hopelessness. He was dragged into a cycle that seemingly begins from nowhere and awaits a seemingly unknowable uncontrollable end.

I, with wondering eyes, watch this creature of habit. My brain is entwined with maybes and whys, and I sense the end is the goal for far too many men.