i’ve fallen in love with change and uncertainty

a worldly experience pours into my consciousness

i allow it to flow through me

fill every aspect of my being

i am not drained

these challenges have warmed the blood in my body

and kept my heartbeat steady

each inflow and outflow of breath is another second i am alive

never asleep, never still

constant

constant movement of thoughts, emotion, fear, love

i am not held by any of these

each moment is different to the next

so this must mean i am free

i am free to change and stop resisting the fact that circumstances will never stay the same

i am free to choose

 

i’ll choose to be like a black raven beating its wings underneath the sun of the Indian summer

enduring the heat

expecting the changes of Autumn

 

change- g.c.

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Lucid Dreaming

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i feel each stage

my consciousness floats away

but my body remains

i feel the cold stillness of my body

i sink into the depths of my present reality

and journey to different planes

i come to the realization that a part of me is still awake

and i am in the presence of an unknown energy

a floating image somewhat familiar awakened me

still in the dream state

i fight to become fully aware and gain control of my body

disoriented at first

paralyzed by fear

because i have been here before

only it never lasted this long

i never had to fight this hard

i relax and remember to be present

i remember the impermanence of my reality

i move, wiggle

try to feel my breath

after several minutes

i am ready to give in and be swallowed by a dark presence

everything spins out of control

my heart beat quickens and the veil is lifted

my eyes open and i gasp

i never left

but what was once there is no longer

and i am in control

– g.c.

 

planetary pollution

a world filled with illusion

awakening means movement

sit still little girl

there is no room for improvement

just this path

hold in those tears

it is of a man to have rage and wrath

noises aren’t real fears

be grateful

it wasn’t you those fists hit

did you want them to?

hush

swallow the lumps

little girl your words are distasteful

stop hurting yourself

memories don’t fade like your cuts, bruises, and bumps

 

and to answer your question

yes

i want it to be me

maybe that way you’d learn to handle your aggression

it’s not that I wish to feel the warmth of welts forming

rather than to not hear your heavy feet storming

towards to door of someone else i love

i’m not begging for your fists to color my porcelain skin

but I’d rather they not smash into the wall again

i want to scream stop

as you bang your chest and the veins in your head throb

you’re hurting yourself

slipping away

farther

killing your daughter

because i do not want you

my beaten up father

i want the man who speaks softly

when he hears the footsteps of his daughter

the only time he is yelling is out of joy

as he plays the big scary monster and chases after his little boy

but then you took the game too far

when your life got repetitive my brother got the blame

the only thing he got from the chase was his very own rage

and with that came shame

so he drowns himself in liquor

because he is still a boy

he can’t survive like you do

swimming in those same old thoughts

day in and day out

for years i was blinded by my own anger

all i saw was a shell that rots

but now i know that you are not empty

the frustration and aching in your bones just make those wild fits tempting

but they don’t want to see you like that

but i know soon you’ll explode if you don’t get some release

you have yet to learn that pounding your fists is not how you breathe

i only hope you find your niche

some form of therapy

but do not give up

please

it is okay if you change

there is nothing to lose but only to gain

my love will not waver

mom is trying to grow

but do not cave for her

you do not need to shrink

if you make yourself any smaller

limit yourself farther

my heart will surely sink

it is all in your head

all in how you think

transform

the scars we will shed

let your soul be fed

nurture yourself

your kids are grown

we are strong enough on our own

we have hurt you too

so return the punch

one last hit

sweep the rug from under our feet

it is okay

i am familiar with the taste of defeat

but i know once i fall

i’ll be ready to fly

because i learned from you

at the end of the day

we all must try

so let us break then consolidate

let us redirect fate

i love you

that will always hold true

breathe

the day is new

 

my family will breathe – g.c.

i love the lonely nights

when i sit in spite of the clock

its tedious tick

has the characteristic of a gnawing itch

it is a mind game

i win

i make the rules

decide if i will be eluded

i’ve grown stronger now

my perception reaches beyond deception

the quiet night

quiet like myself

words floating closer to the surface

quickly I catch them

spoken

my views face discretion

i will never get them

so i am here on my own

thank god i no longer cling and know how to be alone

if they only knew gentleness

delicate enough to hold the truth

they’d be thrown

the world would spin around and head closer to home

the stars we’ve been shown

but fear kept us from knowing

the pain is showing

i psychoanalyze each and every encounter

i must deal with disguise but i won’t stop trying

because my hunger is not for a lies

try to offer and soothe

hoping the gentle and calm will bring about anxiety and hatred’s demise

those feelings harbor dark places for the ego to thrive

it’s time it was brushed off

for i can see it in their eyes

their shoulders are tired

it is difficult enough to put up the facade

to hold all this weight

dreams crushed instead of made

they can still be saved

i am still hopeful

the night is my rope still

i hold on to move on

forgiveness

i am mending

intertwined with the divine

grasp onto the line

let it lift you

high enough to see the light

then you’ll see just as i

even though the night is dark and lonely

everything is alright

you will be fine

 

stream of consciousness – g.c.