have i ever known balance?

it seems i am catapulted from two extremes.

i can’t even grasp the feelings i once had.

no substance compares to the natural high of when you love yourself.

the substances only fill the holes of the pieces of you,

which you don’t find complete on the days,

when looking back in the mirror,

the soul you once saw possessing a home within your crystal eyes has been defeated by the egoic mind.

your eyes are dull and no eyeshadow could make them brighter,

at least not in the same way an authentic smile

draws the light towards itself.

you radiate from the inside out.

an essence as pure as you,

then defeated,

caves in on itself

to the extreme where your only way to cope is denial.

these feelings are not real.

avoidance may seem rather juvenile,

but it is the only way to stop from vomiting

from this pendulum swing.

this is my life and sometimes it is dizzying.

there has just always been something within me

that pushes me to rise,

even though i know i must come down again.

there is no victory nor win

i will settle on the feeling that acceptance brings.

 

extremely enlightened, happily depressed, completely shattered, and sometimes high from the loneliness – g.c.

 

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i’ve fallen in love with change and uncertainty

a worldly experience pours into my consciousness

i allow it to flow through me

fill every aspect of my being

i am not drained

these challenges have warmed the blood in my body

and kept my heartbeat steady

each inflow and outflow of breath is another second i am alive

never asleep, never still

constant

constant movement of thoughts, emotion, fear, love

i am not held by any of these

each moment is different to the next

so this must mean i am free

i am free to change and stop resisting the fact that circumstances will never stay the same

i am free to choose

 

i’ll choose to be like a black raven beating its wings underneath the sun of the Indian summer

enduring the heat

expecting the changes of Autumn

 

change- g.c.