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i’m in a place so high up

the only thing that is bringing me down is that you’re not here with me

 

– g.c.

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this time i did not try to escape reality

i immersed myself in it

i ran head on into my fears

this time

instead of running into a wall

disabling me

making me forget who i am

i found who i am

and found relief

i learned that walls don’t prevent you

you can free fall right through them

into a new dimension..

and might i mention

this wasn’t the first time i had done this

as a child

i had no walls to construct

because fear was challenged everyday as i grew

a leap into the pool without anything to keep me afloat

was a leap of faith in myself

now i’ve remembered walls are not concrete

they are illusive

constructed of fear and doubt

you can let yourself out

by pushing

and not pulling

 

just push through life

be apart of reality

don’t resist

don’t pull away

just be

then there are no walls to run into

and you are free

 

– g.c.

 

 

 

A Brief Summary of My Journey with Spirituality, Art, & Reconnecting with My Soul

I used to wonder who I was going to be. I did not want to choose, but then I learned to fall in love with uncertainty. Before, I learned to tune out reality. Although it was protecting me from ugly truths, I was missing out on life’s lessons and losing touch with all the beautiful things that surrounded me. Now, that I am healing, certain smells that have always been there have become clearer and remind me of childhood. I can’t believe how disconnected from the world one can become. We hold our own little worlds and trick ourselves into believing this is safety, but this is the most self harming and dangerous thing of all. You are missing out on life.

Before I was held by the fear that if I tried new things I wouldn’t enjoy them, or I wouldn’t be very good at them. As children, we are not held by this fear. I would write story books, draw, paint, act, dance, sing and nobody told me I couldn’t. But when we grow up, we start to take things too seriously and adapt the belief that we have to be good at things for them to be fun. Who is even to say what qualifies as “good”? If it makes you happy, makes you feel passion,  excitement, or a deep inner peace, then that is all the qualification you need.  I began finding myself again once I began to shed some of this fear. Instead, I was excited to learn and try new things. Anything and everything around me could be of interest. After I finally stepped out of my little box, I finally saw the world had so much to offer. I wasn’t lacking, but was only looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. I thought to be whole and to live fully I needed gratification from others and material wealth. This was only an illusion. Living in this illusion was not fulfilling at all. It was draining. Finally, when I started to see the world for what it is, which is wondrous, crazy, fantastic, and exciting, I felt more. Allowing myself to feel the emotions I had pushed aside for so long was one of the best things I could have done for myself. I decided to reflect and release, not let them eat away at me. This is how I began writing again. Writing began to fill my soul, allowed me to connect with my inner child, and restore my curiosity. I became more willing to try things. I didn’t limit myself, so I would just begin doing things, such as yoga and painting. All these things that seem to make me feel whole just started to flow through. One day in my yard I just began to do yoga. Another day, I began to draw a scene I had seen driving home from seeing a loved one in the mental hospital. Another, I had begun painting skies and galaxies with watercolors. Everything fell into place, when I decided I wanted to get to know myself and no longer feared to know what I was capable of.

Below are some tools/practices that have helped me.

Helpful Affirmations to Maximize Productivity and Creativity:

I can utilize creative outlets without the temptation to compare and embody fear and doubt.

I am enough. All that I desire to put out into the world is already within me.

Books I Recommend:

The Untethered Soul By Michael Singer- “Energy doesn’t get old, it doesn’t get tired, and it doesn’t need food. What it needs is openness and receptivity.” “Nothing, ever, is worth closing your heart over”

Life Ahead By Krishnamurti

The Power of Now By Eckhart Tolle – “Love, joy, and peace are deep states of Being, or rather three aspects of the state of inner connectedness with Being. As such, they have no opposite. This is because they rise from beyond the mind. Emotions, on the other hand, being part of the dualistic mind, are subject to the law of opposites. This simply means that you cannot have good without bad.”

The Four Agreements By Miguel Ruiz

No Word for Time By Evan T. Pritchard

Essays and English Traits by Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

i’ve fallen in love with change and uncertainty

a worldly experience pours into my consciousness

i allow it to flow through me

fill every aspect of my being

i am not drained

these challenges have warmed the blood in my body

and kept my heartbeat steady

each inflow and outflow of breath is another second i am alive

never asleep, never still

constant

constant movement of thoughts, emotion, fear, love

i am not held by any of these

each moment is different to the next

so this must mean i am free

i am free to change and stop resisting the fact that circumstances will never stay the same

i am free to choose

 

i’ll choose to be like a black raven beating its wings underneath the sun of the Indian summer

enduring the heat

expecting the changes of Autumn

 

change- g.c.

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the coziness of your own bedroom

still moments

lying in fresh linen sheets

the soothing scents of lavender and the pages from an old book

only subtle noises and piano sounds

a headphone in each ear

staring at a roughly patterned ceiling

studying the lines

an empty mind

free of noise

admiring the colors painted all around you

in your own little world

your room

completely aware of your body

every last inch

feeling the peace of shutting your eyelids

lying there

eyes closed

yet still awake

sleepy

the tired creeps up your spine

tempting you

daring you to dance with your dreams

and you reach the point

where you don’t dare defy your body’s hunger for sleep..

 

you wake with a different taste

the sensation of your breath has not caught your attention

the list for the day begins

and you retreat into your shell

can you return to the night

the day asks for too much

you think now

before it was light, bright, and loving

now it lay heavy

your heart is begging the world to take another break

and return your being to your dreams

today your only sanctuary is the darkness

the day asks for too much

so your mind decides to run

 

-Restlessly Defying Sleep, All Five Senses Feel Complete, Feelings Don’t Last, Somedays You’ll Feel Defeat

I Opened An Etsy Shop!

creativity does not flow when given and ultimatum

it needs no exterior motivation

only a soul free to express itself

and a mind that desires to know this freedom

– g.c.

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So far, I only have two listings up, which is an original watercolor painting as well as a few prints of my watercolor elephant. Feel free to contact me, if you are looking for a painting of something in particular and we can work something out:) Have a beautiful day!

 

https://www.etsy.com/listing/570179663/vibrant-watercolor-summer-flowers?ref=listings_manager_grid

https://www.etsy.com/listing/565230483/spirit-animal-watercolor-elephant-print?ref=listing-shop-header-1

 

Lucid Dreaming

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i feel each stage

my consciousness floats away

but my body remains

i feel the cold stillness of my body

i sink into the depths of my present reality

and journey to different planes

i come to the realization that a part of me is still awake

and i am in the presence of an unknown energy

a floating image somewhat familiar awakened me

still in the dream state

i fight to become fully aware and gain control of my body

disoriented at first

paralyzed by fear

because i have been here before

only it never lasted this long

i never had to fight this hard

i relax and remember to be present

i remember the impermanence of my reality

i move, wiggle

try to feel my breath

after several minutes

i am ready to give in and be swallowed by a dark presence

everything spins out of control

my heart beat quickens and the veil is lifted

my eyes open and i gasp

i never left

but what was once there is no longer

and i am in control

– g.c.