Judgment Creates Boundaries

I never talked to the “weird kids”.  I always listened to what they had to say though. I was always intrigued. they had so many interests. I’d sit in class bored by my teacher’s monotonous lectures, and would tune into conversation amongst the kids I had viewed as separate from myself. They had so many interests and passions, all considered weird. If it wasn’t sports, the next school dance, the math assignment, or who was dating who, it was strange territory. They would talk about books, theater, actors, history, intellectual things. They even had their own unique opinions about all these topics. Another thing, they were terribly hilarious. I’d try to hold in my laughter, so they wouldn’t know I was eavesdropping. I would get an anxious feeling inside I wasn’t able to identify.  I now know it was desire. I was the shy girl, but I fit in and followed. I had so much to say from years of being observant and being highly sensitive/empathetic,  but never said much. I desired so much to join in on there conversations and laugh with them. I felt shameful for having these desires, so I pushed them aside. If I was interested and became educated in the same things as they were, then that would mean I was weird. Everything was meant to be on the surface, certain topics were discussed lightly, you were meant to be shallow, conceded, better, yet limited, feed into melodrama, and only enjoy things to a certain point. Yeah, that’s how things are “meant to be”. This desire to express and know was innate. It is apart of human nature to be curious, adventure, want to learn, love, and feel deeply, but in school I had years of conditioning to only accept certain knowledge and do certain things, to play it safe. Luckily, this part of me was not completely lost thanks to my best friend… a weird kid who loved books, theater, and didn’t think the same as every other teenager. She didn’t go to the same school as me, so it was “cool”, no one knew. These beliefs limited me. I shouldn’t have been afraid to be caught reading a book. I was preventing my expansion and creating boundaries. There are so many people I can now speak to and learn from, because I am not afraid of people knowing me. Now, I kind of know who I am, and I would say I am a pretty weird kid. That desire to connect turned into passion, and following my heart allowed my desire to be fed. Finally understanding this passion helped shape my reality to the way it is now.


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