You ask the kind of questions I just can’t answer.
What do you do?
What are you gonna do?
First of all, let’s not ask me such general questions that can receive a variety of answers, unless you wanna deal with ADD or hear the excited rambling about how awesome right now feels and all the possibilities for the future.
Honestly, the realest, most simple answer I can give you is: I have no fucking clue.
For a mind and spirit like mine the uncertainty is a life force.
My intuition is what drives me and it can throw me any which way.
One day it’s I’m 100% dedicated to myself and immersed in nature feeling the love that surrounds me flow through my physical and spiritual body..next thing, I’m locked inside contemplating those feelings I had been getting and what existing truly means, and if it’s not my own thoughts I’m swimming in then I may just be binge reading someone else’s for the day.. or only for an hour, because next thing you know I’m painting something. I don’t know what, but I can’t just be a consumer of what someone else creates. But it’s not just painting, I’ll be writing all through the night. Next thing you know it all spirals out of control, because my physical health declines along with my mental and I have no more will to create, so it’s back to consumerism.. but not really because it’s mostly time put into trying to remember how I was once inspired. Rather than aspiring to channel others who are in tune with their spirit, I have lost my own. I can barely connect with anyone, so this time the day is spent locked away without books, complete emptiness, just lying in bed, but allowing for these feelings to pass, because.. before you know it, it’s back to feeling love fill every ounce of my being! The only struggle is not knowing what to pour it into first.
(I’m a little all over the place, but you might find you understand the point I am coming to?)..
To others a plan and obligations may seem like a clear path, but to me that clear path is a place for me to build an obstacle course, because what is supposed to get done will not be done until a few challenges are faced. I’m probably addicted to my own anxiety like adrenaline or whatever. Is that what pumps through me when I’m late for this or overdue on that?.. Maybe. I’m not careless, necessarily. I just take ideas and run with them and I constantly have ideas. They are what usually turn me the opposite direction away from responsibility and security. Hopefully, I haven’t made you dizzy, but hopefully I made you never want to ask that question “what are you going to do?”, again.
Thankfully, I know and love myself just this way, because I can be no other than a slightly organized mess. I know a lot of people won’t be able to withstand my chaos, because it reminds them they are suppressing their own. Anarchy is my mind and oppression is the need for a simple answer that shows signs of conformity. I refuse to regurgitate the same lines everyone else has rehearsed for when they are asked (“I am going to college here.. eventually I’ll go into a career in this”).. no thanks. I know, my spirit is annoyingly defiant. I am not saying going to college and get a steady career is conforming. You can still hold your own and live passionately. I am just saying go at your own pace and don’t feel bad for not having the answers people are looking for. Life is not about planning and figuring things out for the future. You are alive right now! So, go to college, get that steady job, but make sure your soul is satisfied. Make sure you aren’t searching for a steady job out of fear and don’t just jump at the first opportunity for stability. Listen to your heart and I bet what your heart truly wants is for you to take risks and to know you did everything you wanted to, even if nothing worked out. My goal for this life is to discover and experience as much as I can in this world. My goals are not to play it safe, take vacations, get approval, and reach retirement. I don’t want to be told the answers. I don’t want to know what is the right way.
And for those who still need to know what I am doing with my life, so they can feel comfortable with the path they chose, like they did the right thing,.. all I can say is when the question is imposed again and again, I will run dry of smooth responses. There will only be a stiff silence and the whispers of your mind with what you thought I would say. My eyes will be empty and my lips motionless, because after a while I can’t ramble anymore. I can’t offer up an explanation, because I forgot the correct answers and wrote my own, but they aren’t worth sharing with someone who will fear them. I don’t need to waste time, because we will both only be left with more confusion. Trust me, I’m quiet for your sake, because all that I have to say is all too strange for you to process cognitively. Only the feeling of worry will be left, as you think that maybe you got the whole life test wrong, because it was an individual knowledge based quiz and there was no right answer. It was asking for your feelings on the content not to analyze it, but your mind was over rid with lectures, when the true answers were the questions that followed these statements, because none of us understood it in the same way. None of us experienced the same lesson, so how are you to say what I was supposed to be taught, what path I am supposed to take, what I am supposed to do next. I now question you, because if I had to live how someone else told me, I’d rather not live at all..
And maybe that’s true for a lot of people too, because they seem to be zombieing around as they’re told what to do.
I love who I am , where I am, and I have no interest in building a life to ensure that you love who I become, that who I become fits in and makes you comfortable. I am here to break boundaries, to live passionately, to forge my way out of “what is safe” and create my own path. Right now is good enough for me..
“Tomorrow is way too far away and we can’t get back yesterday..” – RiRi