have i ever known balance?
it seems i am catapulted from two extremes.
i can’t even grasp the feelings i once had.
no substance compares to the natural high of when you love yourself.
the substances only fill the holes of the pieces of you,
which you don’t find complete on the days,
when looking back in the mirror,
the soul you once saw possessing a home within your crystal eyes has been defeated by the egoic mind.
your eyes are dull and no eyeshadow could make them brighter,
at least not in the same way an authentic smile
draws the light towards itself.
you radiate from the inside out.
an essence as pure as you,
caves in on itself
to the extreme where your only way to cope is denial.
these feelings are not real.
avoidance may seem rather juvenile,
but it is the only way to stop from vomiting
from this pendulum swing.
this is my life and sometimes it is dizzying.
there has just always been something within me
that pushes me to rise,
even though i know i must come down again.
there is no victory nor win
i will settle on the feeling that acceptance brings.
extremely enlightened, happily depressed, completely shattered, and sometimes high from the loneliness – g.c.