my mom left

for a while.

she needed to know who she was.

even i was uncertain of who she was.

this woman i watched all my life,

amazed,

she could do no wrong,

but as i grew older,

i began to see every flaw.

still,

even those at times,

seem to be perfect.

i love her,

but sometimes i worry that she does not know.

 

we needed some distance.

and although i will always want my mother,

and though she did help me grow,

i do not need my mother.

i did not know before she left what i could do on my own.

i did not know that seeking happiness for others is more fulfilling than seeking it all for yourself.

she put me first,

and i put myself first,

not in a self loving way,

but an egocentric unfulfilling way.

 

after my mother left,

i learned about my family,

started to really see them.

i was no longer the shy girl that hid behind my mother’s leg.

i could finally see what her protective defense was hiding me from.

i fell in love with disaster,

because i knew there was something better to come.

something better would come,

and it would come from me.

i finally saw the gifts i bare.

i was taught the lesson that pain was always trying to give.

she was away but never too far.

i still could have run to her.

let her comfort and protect me from disaster,

but now i know how to deal with pain.

my mom can not make everything go away.

i love her for her comfort,

but sometimes outside of comfort there is havoc,

and just beyond havoc,

i found the greatest place,

that is freedom and peace.

comfort gave me no clarity,

although i am sure that’s what she had always hoped for.

she always tried and did help heal me,

but,

truthfully,

only i can fix myself.

i am glad i learned this.

 

i am grateful for all the times my mother would stay and just lie with me,

for all the times i knew safety,

but i am also grateful that she left,

so i could fall without being caught in her net.

i have finally realized that there is no end,

that i will always fall

 

but,

i think,

on my own,

i’ll have more room to learn to fly.

thank you, mom.

– g. c.

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