my mom left
for a while.
she needed to know who she was.
even i was uncertain of who she was.
this woman i watched all my life,
she could do no wrong,
but as i grew older,
i began to see every flaw.
even those at times,
seem to be perfect.
i love her,
but sometimes i worry that she does not know.
we needed some distance.
and although i will always want my mother,
and though she did help me grow,
i do not need my mother.
i did not know before she left what i could do on my own.
i did not know that seeking happiness for others is more fulfilling than seeking it all for yourself.
she put me first,
and i put myself first,
not in a self loving way,
but an egocentric unfulfilling way.
after my mother left,
i learned about my family,
started to really see them.
i was no longer the shy girl that hid behind my mother’s leg.
i could finally see what her protective defense was hiding me from.
i fell in love with disaster,
because i knew there was something better to come.
something better would come,
and it would come from me.
i finally saw the gifts i bare.
i was taught the lesson that pain was always trying to give.
she was away but never too far.
i still could have run to her.
let her comfort and protect me from disaster,
but now i know how to deal with pain.
my mom can not make everything go away.
i love her for her comfort,
but sometimes outside of comfort there is havoc,
and just beyond havoc,
i found the greatest place,
that is freedom and peace.
comfort gave me no clarity,
although i am sure that’s what she had always hoped for.
she always tried and did help heal me,
only i can fix myself.
i am glad i learned this.
i am grateful for all the times my mother would stay and just lie with me,
for all the times i knew safety,
but i am also grateful that she left,
so i could fall without being caught in her net.
i have finally realized that there is no end,
that i will always fall
on my own,
i’ll have more room to learn to fly.
thank you, mom.
– g. c.